About an hour ago I got my period. IUI #1= massive fail.
The Boy's SA came back with abnormalities. Concentration is 164, motility is 65% and morphology is only 20%. The andrology lab can't be bothered to call me back and tell me what the numbers mean, but they don't sound so great to me (except the concentration, that is). I feel like I've been rubbed raw.
To every person who tells me to "just relax and it will happen", screw off. I was as relaxed as I could be right after the iui. I was in a tropical paradise for crying out loud! Relaxing does not cure a medical condition. Relaxing isn't going to make my endometriosis go away.
To everyone who tells me I am young and have plenty of time, screw you. Young has nothing to do with this. Young doesn't change the fact that medical professionals have given me a less than 5% chance of getting pregnant naturally. Young doesn't factor into it when you are out of money and sick of being in constant physical pain. Young doesn't change the fact that this will be the year we decide if adoption is our only choice of having a family.
To everyone who tells me about some person who they know through a friend who was told she could never have kids, but then she did so you just can't give up hope because you never know, just get away from me before I stab you in the eye. When we stop trying to have a kid, we will have to save up money for a hysterectomy, so I'm afraid that sometimes you do know. I can't stay off birth control and just hope for the best. My endometriosis is getting more severe every day, as is the pain, and treating endo and getting pregnant are mutually exclusive endeavors.
Finally, to everyone who says none of these things, thank you. I know all the above are done in an effort to comfort, help, and relate, but sadly they manage to fail in all of those areas. The only thing you can say to someone dealing with infertility and failed procedures is, "I'm sorry." Put that in your book of useful information.
Please don't think I am writing this to get sympathy from anyone. I am just hurting quite a bit right now, in spite of my best efforts to not get my hopes up. I find that writing things down helps me process my feelings and move on. I guess what I'm saying is that I just need a place to vent. I think one of the hardest things about infertility is feeling like you can't really talk openly about it to other people. It makes them very uncomfortable. I mean, what are they supposed to say? (answer: see above, also, "That sucks." is another option)
There are plenty of horrible diseases and conditions a person can have, and I don't want any of them. What makes infertility so difficult to me is that it's not something you have, it's something you are. You don't say, "I have infertility" like you would say about cancer or MS. I try not to let it take over my life, but how can it not? I am infertile. (I guess you could say, "I have infertility issues, but it doesn't slip as easily off the toungue, now does it?). Simple semantics, but it really does affect things, at least to me. It's like I'm saying "I am a leper," and trust me the reactions to both phrases are quite similar.
As I said a little while ago, I didn't actually expect the IUI to work. If we do another one, I will also not expect it to work. Pregnancy, it seems, is something that happens to other people, not me. So why do I bother? I guess I see the IUI as something that is necessary to get out of the way. Something to do to prove to myself that I tried everything I could. So that if we do decide to machete our way through the red tape of adoption, I will know that it is the only way we could have a family. Somehow I feel like that will make it easier, if such things can be made easier.
"But you can't lose hope!!! You have to stay positive, and then good things will happen!" says the moron in the back.
You know what? Hope is a fickle, horrible, nasty whore who has led me on month after month only to slap my hard in the face and run off laughing. I'm sick of letting it back in my life everytime it says "Baby, you know I'm sorry. I love you and I'd never do anything to hurt you. Please take me back." I'm done with it. Hope can go screw with someone else for a while.
I'm infertile. No amount of hope will change that.
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1013th Friday Blog Roundup
1 day ago
........there is not much to say other than I am sorry, and IF SUCKS!!!! I don't know if this will help you finacially, but there is an organization out there called fertility life line, and they have a program that offers assistance with fertility drug costs, sometimes they are even free. It may be something to look into. We applied, it was pretty simple, and if you are approved they over night the drugs directly so your RE, so there is no waiting around. It just may be another option to relieve some of the finacial stress. I know we really stuggled with it fiancially, which just made me more pissed off I have fertility issues.
ReplyDeleteYou've captured so much of what I've been feeling. Beautifully said. I have endo too, and it's lousy. I've been undeservedly fortunate not to have a lot of pain (I should appreciate that blessing so much more than I do), but that just means I'm able to ignore the fact that my endo is getting worse while I'm not getting pregnant. Saving for a hysterectomy is still the final outcome. And it isn't fair.
ReplyDeleteI know nothing I say can make it better, but - you're not alone, and you're not crazy. But you are tough, and if I have to be on the leper team, I'm glad there's other lepers like you out here with me :). (Although of course I wish for your sake you were on the other team!)