I know, I know. I promised to post a few days ago on something I hate almost as much as I hate infertility. Well guess what. I didn't. I am in the midst of preparing a huge project and have been focusing my energy on what will ultimately make me money. Crazy, I know.
Not to fear though. The post is coming and it will be epic. It just may be another week or so.
In the mean time, here is something to consider. I got my period today after deciding not to go back on birth control this month. Typically, when an infertile who is trying to defy the odds gets the notice of failure it ends in a mass of sobs and disappointment. Me? I haven't been this ambivalent about it in over a year. Its rather nice. I feel like I am bordering on normal emotions again.
Since there always has to be some suck to temper any happy I may have, let me assure you that the physical pain is knocking me on my ass. I am calling the doctor first thing tomorrow to begin a new journey. Operation Screw You Insides has begun!
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The Right Words
1 day ago
Kill them insides!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I have to say, you're not insane to be ambivalent about having your period. Officially I have been ttc for 3+ years 'cause we've never used bc and were always happy to have kids (still are). But there's ttc, and there's ttc. The former means every time you get your period, you cry. The latter means that if you missed your period, you would assume it was just the endo. So that makes sense to me.
Also - I'm for real starting treatment with an RE for the first time in just a few weeks - BUT since I took so long (two years??) "off" from really conscientiously trying, I've ALSO been going through the letting go process...before I ever started? I'm sort of a weird infertile. Anyway, my point (sorry I take a while to get there) is that I've come round to a pretty similar point - uninterested in coddling the insides to bribe them to do what I want, and tired of them making me sick. (I don't get the horrible death pains, but I have been getting stronger symptoms every month for about the last six, and I know they will show up eventually. I plan to have a hysterectomy ready and waiting for them when they arrive.)
Anyway, I find your war inspiring. Don't give up! Take back your life!