Dear 2008

I know we had our good moments. Of course, given enough chances anyone can have a good moment or two, so I'm afraid that is not really anything for you to brag about. Look, lets face it...you sucked most of the time. You are a selfish whore who doesn't care who she hurts. I know some people really liked you. Hell, you managed to bring pregnancies and babies to tons of people, most of whom I somehow know or see walking around the neighborhood all the effing time. It takes a special kind of whore to rub things like that in people's faces, and you are that whore.

I've decided to move on. We were never destined to care much for each other, and it would be a huge lie to act like we ever really cared for one another. How about this, you can hang around with the people who you didn't screw over 12 times, and I'll move on to a new year that has the chance of making me happy. Better yet, I'm just not going to pin my happiness to what a year does or doesn't bring to me. I'll just be happy because I chose to be. Maybe 2009 (yes, that's the year I am moving on to...I believe you have met) will bring a pregnancy, an adoption, a hysterectomy, or a few horsemen to move things along in a much more permanent manner. The point is, I don't know how 2009 and I will get along, but I am ready to move on to a new year and leave our wasted time together in the past.

Please don't try to contact me. There's nothing you can say at this point that will change my decision. I'll leave your stuff on the curb for you to pick up when you want to. Perhaps someday we can look back on our time together with a degree of happiness, but that day is not now. I really do hope you can find a way to quit being so hateful to people, but I guess it's true that you can't change a year.

Best Wishes,

That Infertile (because you made me that way) Chick

An Open Ended Letter to My Crazy Relatives

Dear Family,

First, let me say that through all the crazy turns our family has taken, we've managed to stay relatively close. The holidays have come, and I am pleased to know that the likelihood of dishes being thrown or tables being overturned at our gatherings is rather lower than some households enjoy. Well done us!

I do have one request at this time of year, if I may: Please quit asking about our plans for procreation. I realize that being married for just shy of 3 years and having no belly bump is alarming to most of you, but I really need you all to quit bringing it up. I am aware of the vacancy, and, unless I am asking you to be involved in the process, my sex life (whether for procreative purposes or not) simply does not concern you. I am no more interested in telling you of our plans for children than I am in telling you about the odd sex dream I had last night (Shawn of the Dead....odd). Uncomfortable now? Good.

You continue to point out that we are now the only couple on both sides with no kids/not pregnant. We are, of course aware of the fact, and find the emphasis of this fact quite hurtful as we are, in fact, trying to have children. I realize you are just trying to make conversation, but certainly we can discuss other matters than my uterus, as fascinating as it apparently is.

As always, when asked when we are going to have kids, I will response with my usual retorts that "You are having enough for the both of us" or "I would, but I enjoy having my breasts in the northern hemisphere of my body." Oh, and if you must remind me what a blessing kids are and how wonderful they are, blah, blah, blah, I encourage you to save your breath. If you love them so much, have some more of your own! After all, you only have to be looked at to get knocked up. I know how awesome kids are, but sadly my uterus has run an embargo on all imports and exports.

Love Always,
Infertile Chick

P.S. Telling me I am "Too pretty to adopt" provides me endless entertainment! These treasures may continue to be shared so that I can use it for my own (and others) entertainment.

---I should note that the family members who do know about our situation have, by and large, been incredibly supportive. I just have a few crazies mixed in with the bunch who I didn't feel like telling. After all, if they make horribly inappropriate remarks now, what would happen if I gave them even more ammo??