Decisions, decisions

Still undecided on domestic or international adoption. Still getting advice from any resources we can. Frankly the biggest issue right now I think is money. South Korea would be roughly 15k more and we aren't exactly spending our evenings doing sidestrokes through our room filled with gold coins (Duck Tales is full of lies, people!). On the one hand, you can't really put a price on a human life and if we felt strongly enough about it, we can take out loans and save as much as we can manage. On the other, I have to be realistic about it. Doesn't do much good to raise the money and have none left to support the kid with when he/she arrives.

Anyway, to reward you for your opinions in advance, I give you this dose of aggressive cuteness:

More counseling & a decision

We had what will hopefully be our final session of counseling last week. He really has been such a good resource for us and we would recommend anyone struggling through this crap to find a good therapist and give it a shot. Lucky for us, our therapist also works with a local adoption agency and we were able to get some good info from him on semi-open vs. open adoptions and the basics of the process.

In case it hasn't been obvious enough from previous posts, I guess I will officially announce to all teh interwebs that we have decided to adopt. We're actually pretty excited about it, even though we know it will be it's own roller coaster nightmare soon enough. Heck, it already is.

Right now we are trying to decide on domestic vs. international. We've managed to narrow it down to a local agency for the domestic and if we do international we are strongly leaning toward South Korea. Here's the thing, though. How on earth do you make such a decision? How do you decide whether to adopt a newborn (which has it's benefits and drawbacks, certainly) within the US, or become a multi-racial family and go international. I know people have strong feelings about both, and ultimately it will be up to us to decide. Feedback is appreciated, though, especially from those who've been there.

Here are my thoughts on it of late.
Domestic:
Pros
-Less expensive
-Chance to meet birthmom
-More medical info known about child
-Newborn

Cons
-Don't know that we really want an infant
-Could take longer
-High chance of failed matches

International (specifically South Korea)
Pros
-No birthmoms going back and forth on their decision
-Chance to introduce a new culture into our lives
-Older child (6-15 months)
-Excellent medical care for the children and records kept indefinitely
-Children are in foster homes, not orphanages

Cons
-More expensive
-Would we be able to handle being a multi-racial family? (Not a huge concern, but it's unrealistic to expect that there wouldn't be new challenges from this)
-We know absolutely no one from South Korea
-Even more hoops to jump through

I'm sure there are more, but those are the very obvious ones. The thing is, for some reason we feel really strongly about adopting from China, but we don't meet the age requirements (I'm only 28 and would need to be 30). We're confidant that we will adopt a second child from China, so this also affects our decision with the first. After all, we will be multi-racial soon enough and I certainly don't want one of my kids to feel like the odd man out.

So what's to be done? Adopt a Caucasian child domestically? Adopt outside of our race domestically? Kiss our money goodbye and go for South Korea? Just grab a kid from a stroller and call it good? So many good choices, to be sure.

Why I hate the Twilight series

Yes, that's right. The EPIC POST is here and I can tell some of you are already grinding your teeth in rage. It's true, I really, seriously hate the Twilight series. I refuse to lose 2 hours of my life by watching the movie, so this will, I suppose, only pertain to the books. I should say, I have in fact read the whole series, so I speak from a somewhat educated (though less-so than when before I used up perfectly good brain cells storing this tale) standpoint.

"Best love story of our time!" shouts the general female populous. Really? REALLY? This amazing love story which you so adamantly defend would perhaps hold up if the plot didn't read like the transcripts from a game of barbies played by sugared-up 4 year-olds. Don't believe me? (these were originally written as single sentences, no spaces, but that is too cruel even for me. Know that they should still be read as such)

Book 1- Once upon a time there was a girl named Bella and she was very ordinary. She lived in Arizona and no one noticed her, but then she moved to Washington and suddenly she was very popular, and all the boys liked her including the really hottest boy who didn't pay attention to anyone else, but he fell in love with her, but he was a vampire (oh no!) but he didn't kill people, he just glittered in the sun and was all cold. Everything was great and she went to play baseball with the vampires, but OH NO!! bad vampires came and tried to kill her, but Edward saved her and they went to the prom. YAY!!!

Book 2- Edward and Bella are in love, but OH NO he is dangerous, so he breaks up with her and she is sad. She is sad sad sad and sits in a pile of sad for months and months. Did I mention she's sad? Then she starts riding motorcycles with Jacob, who is actually a werewolf! Ooo....scary! Wait, no it's not. Oh and he's in love with Bella too, but she's too sad. Then she jumps off a cliff cause listening to whiny emo music and cutting herself just isn't sad enough for her. Edward thinks she is dead and guess what! He's been sad too, so he is gonna go get himself vampire killed. The rest is like a happy version of Romeo & Juliet. YAY! Now everyone is happy!

Book 3- Oh no, both Edward and Jacob love Bella cause she is so ordinary. What to do? Einey, Meiney, Miney, Edward. Yay! Oh and a bad vampire dies. Double YAY!

Book 4- Edward and Bella get married! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! Then they have the sex! Sexy YAY! Jacob is sad, but who cares cause he isn't as hot as Edward is. Bella gets knocked up (honeymoon babies are the best!) and decides it's her body and her choice so she's keeping the baby. Oh noes, the baby is gonna kill her, so she gets turned into a vampire. Now she is pretty so she can finally shut the hell up about how she's not good enough for a vampire. More bad vampires come, but Bella's powers of joy sucking remove their powers and they are all safe. Oh and Jacob falls in love with her baby. Everyone is happy and not at all creeped out by anything that has happened. Extra triple double magical YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Sorry my fellow females, but I just can't get behind this story. Aside from the infantile premise, these are continuous flaws throughout the books. In no particular order, here are some that make me to most crazy:

1. Hey, did you know that Edward was hot?
Seriously, if you were to rid the books of the continuous references to Edward's hotness, you'd be left with roughly 10 pages per book, max. I get it, he's inhumanly attractive, but the more the author drones on and on about it, the more creepy it becomes to me to have a 30+ year old writing about the chiseled abs and hearstoppingly gorgeous smile of someone who is at least on the surface, a 17 year old boy. Jailbait much? Speaking of jailbait...

2. Not creepy, I promise!
If a guy were to say to me that he was born in 1901, my first reaction would be to do the math and start wondering why someone with a century's worth of experience can find no one better to be with than a 17 year old girl. Oh wait...he can't read her mind. Yeah, that would be interesting for about 10 minutes, then the arguments of "What's wrong?" "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" would wear a bit thin, I feel. Honestly, Edward's age makes me think that at any given moment he is going to go through all the pills he takes on a daily basis in greater detail than the Simerilian discusses the Mines of Moria. No thanks. I'd rather watch the history channel, not date it.

3. No seriously, it's romantic, not creepy
If a guy were to tell me he had been sneaking into my room night after night, unbeknownst to me, and watching me sleep, he wouldn't have to worry much about watching anything for a while, cause that mace is a doozy. Oh wait, he's really hot, so I guess the whole breaking and entering becomes less stalker-y and more romantic-y. I don't think so.

4. Wow, Bella is ordinary....just like me!!!
Why must the "heroine" of the series (and I use the term loosely...I am still convinced that the real heroine is Jacob) constantly remind everyone how very ordinary (ew!) she is. Here, have a nice serving of self esteem and quit being such a whiny bitch about how Edward is totally a 10 and you are but a lowly 6, you mindnumbingly irritating Mary-Sue! I don't know a single guy who enjoys validating someone on such an exhaustively constant basis as Edward does. I kept waiting for Bella to say how ordinary she was and Edward to go, "Oh man...you are right! I am way more attractive than you, so why should I continue to slum it with you? See ya!"
I realize the author is allowing us to put her ourselves into Bella's no doubt ordinary shoes and live the magical life of being loved by a 100 year old guy who insists on watching us sleep and continuously tells us that he may or may not kill us. Still into it? Allow me to go on then.

5. Vampires glitter, huh?
Wow. Just wow. THAT is your big explanation for why they have to stay out of the sun. You couldn't have said that when they go in the sun their very strong eyesight causes them to get migraine headaches that make it all the more difficult to maintain the self control so they go on killing sprees so for heaven's sake keep them out of the sun!!! Nope. When they go in the sun, they glitter like a stripper in a trashy club. Wow...great plot device. As if I wasn't already getting a migraine from the above-mentioned issues, you have to bedazzle the villains like some sort of spin art t-shirt from the 80's?! (to be fair, spin art was amazing and I still miss that shirt)

6. Vampires love them some school, I guess
Lets imagine you have endless days ahead of you with which to do anything you wish. How would you spend them? Going back to high school over and over again? Yeah, me either. Honestly, there is really no point to Edward and pals going to high school. They already know everything, so certainly there are no holes in their education. "They just want to fit it!" says the sad little specimen in the back wearing a t-shirt that says "Edward's Juicebox" (honestly, I've seen it...wrong on so many levels). Really? Just trying to fit in? Then answer me this, if they are trying to fit in WHY DO THEY ISOLATE THEMSELVES FROM EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE SCHOOL?!?!?? Nothing better than to spend eternity as high school outcasts, says I! Sorry to shout, but really, did Ms. Meyer not give this any thought whatsoever? "Hmmmm.....they don't kill people, so what should I have them do. I know! They should study some rhibosomes and ignore the human race that they refuse to leave behind!"

7. Personal growth schmersonal growth!
I have never read a series that made me dislike a main character so much. I really am trying to wrack my brain for any sort of maturity gained by Bella over the course of 4 books, and I am at a bit of a loss. Still. Between the average looks, insistence that she is not good enough for her boyfriend, the need to keep her backup guy around in spite of him having feelings for her, and cripplingly low self-esteem she may as well be every sad girl in school who none of the guys wanted to even talk to, let alone date because her lovely attitude would drag them down quicker than a baby harp seal tied to a 90 ton anchor. I guess vampires enjoy spending the rest of eternity saying, "No honey, those pants don't make you look fat," cause I can't think of a single human who is that masochistic.

More than that. More than all these things, I hate them because I think they set a horrible example of a relationship to the young girls reading the series thinking that this is what they want from life. I have heard of girls reading these books and breaking up with perfectly nice guys because they were enough like "their Edward". Lets look for a moment at what lessons Twilight and Friends teaches our young girls.
-Don't try to develop a self-esteem of your own, just wait for a really hot guy to ask you out and attach your hopes to him.
-Stalker-ish behaviour is actually romantic and not at all creepy and wrong.
-If a guy breaks up with you, don't ever move on. He probably did it to keep you safe and he will come back. Don't spend any time improving yourself, just wallow until he shows up again. When he does, take him back with no consequences or questions.
-The guy should be the primary one to keep things from going too far physically. If he really loves you, he wont try to take advantage of you, he will insist on stopping things, so you just do everything you want.
-If you just want to be friends with someone who has feelings with you, keep them around. They'll make a good placeholder and who cares if leading them on like that is hurtful to them.
-A hit is like a hug and being bruised head to toe after sex is both not a big deal, and not assault. (and the idea that the first time having sex is anything other than akward and usually painful...now I know it's fiction!)
-Somewhere out there there is one person you are destined to be with. It's not a matter of finding someone you are compatible with and realistically approaching the relationship. Your soul mate is out there and when you find him, everything will be just perfect and sunshine roses!

All in all, they are not the worst books I have ever read. They are even slightly entertaining in parts, but what they are is fluff, and not well-written fluff, either. They are the cotton candy of literature, and I am sick of people acting like they are a fillet Mignon. Can we please move on?

Progress and one of my best stories

So the EPIC POST (must be all in caps, you see...it's that epic) will be coming, probably tomorrow afternoon. In the mean time, I actually have a few things to say regarding infertility and what's going on with us lately.

We had a very interesting visit with our therapist last week. He really has been such a huge help to us and I would highly recommend finding someone you are comfortable with. He is very blunt and up front with us and said that he wanted to talk about where we felt we were at and if the therapy was helping us. We both felt that it had been helpful and really appreciated being able to put words to what's been going on. His main goal is not to get couples to feel "OK" with infertility or push them toward adoption. He really just wants you to be able to improve your quality of life regardless of what the future brings.

I talked with him about how I have all these babies upcoming in the family and would love to be able to be excited for everyone rather than feel like its a personal reminder of my own inadequacy. He asked why I felt I had to be excited, and that it's OK to feel sad about it. It's even OK to start crying in front of people because if they really care they know that I'm not doing it to try to get attention or make everyone wallow in misery with me. Also, he helped me realize that even before the infertility stuff, I wasn't really the type to get all that excited about a pregnancy anyway, so why do I feel I need to create feelings that aren't in my nature? I suppose life is a series of those moments of insight. I had never really let myself be OK with the emotions I am experiencing. I was mocked mercilessly as a child for crying and, at the ripe old age of 8, decided that crying in front of people was showing weakness that would invariably be exploited, so no more crying for me. He also said that when people we love ask us how we are doing, it's not fair to either of us to put on the brave face and say "Oh, just great," since we all knew it was a lie. Much better to be honest and say "You know, it's hard but we're getting through it."

I guess things like that would be obvious to other people, but sometimes you just need to hear the right thing at the right time put in the right words. I spent the next week allowing myself to experience my emotions, while still realizing where they were coming from. I would see a pregnant woman and instantly feel the sadness and loss that comes from someone having the audacity to procreate when I cannot. Normally, I would feel mean and rude for thinking such things and then start beating myself up over how I am not only broken but envious and bitter. Instead, I would hear our therapist in my head saying, "Yeah, you know what that does really suck and it does hurt, and it's OK to feel those things." And you know what? After that, I was able to move on. I can't tell you how amazing that feels to not have to dwell on those negative feelings. It wasn't the easiest at first, but I've been making progress.

A few days ago I was at an event where I saw roughly 25 hugely pregnant women, which would normally put me in a massive panic attack and downward spiral. Instead, I was able to experience the sad feelings, recognize where they were really coming from, and then move the hell on. Amazing! I know that infertility will always be a part of our lives. That even if we adopt, there will still be that pang of loss whenever I see a pregnant woman and realize that will never be me, but I am a realistic person. Pregnancy is overrated. Parenthood is what we really care about.

Biggest progress of all? I was able to actually look my sister in the eye and give her a hug. She is due end of April and is really getting quite big. I was able to ask her how things were going without the intent being a masochistic desire to be reminded what I will never have, but genuine interest in my soon-arriving niece.

I read infertility blogs that are full of pain and grief, and I get it. I've been there, gotten the t-shirt, filled up my punch card, and will no doubt come back to visit quite often, but I feel like I have finally moved out. At the very least, I have bought a nice time share in a happier place that I can visit. Has the analogy been beaten thoroughly enough? Yes? Good.

So where is the good story? Well if you've managed to wade through my jumbled thoughts this far you deserve a reward, so here you go.

Possibly my best story
I have a relative who is not the most sensitive. OK, lots of them are pretty callous, but she really deserves a medal sometimes. I have been on a restrictive diet for over a year to help with the endo pain, which I was OK with, but apparently other people found weird. She offers me some cake and the following interchange happened.

"Hey, have some cake!"

"No thanks, I don't want any."

"Oh come on! You're too skinny, have some."

"Actually I can't have any"

"See, too skinny and now your on a diet."

"Well, I actually can't have the wheat, dairy, sugar or chocolate because it makes the pain from the endometriosis much worse."

"You know, you should see a doctor about that. There are all sorts of new things they can do now."

"Actually, I have seen several doctors and medical knowledge about endometriosis is still very limited and most treatment options don't work well and aren't permanent. They don't even know what causes it."

"But if you got pregnant that would cure it right?"

"Um, it can. Or I can get a hysterectomy. Those are about my only options right now."

"You can't get a hysterectomy! The pain isn't THAT bad!"

"Well, actually it is, but we are still a long way off from deciding on something so drastic."

"Could you at least save your eggs?"

"Well, my endo is wrapped around my ovaries, so probably not."

"You could freeze your eggs!"

"Yes, but I wouldn't exactly have a uterus to put them in so..."

"But you could get a surrogate!!"

"Uh....pretty sure we would go with adoption over something so expensive and intense."

"You can't adopt!!! You're too pretty to adopt!!!!!"

"..............um.........thanks?"



Yes, she actually told me I was too pretty to adopt. The word you are looking for is "Wow."

So apparently I suck

I know, I know. I promised to post a few days ago on something I hate almost as much as I hate infertility. Well guess what. I didn't. I am in the midst of preparing a huge project and have been focusing my energy on what will ultimately make me money. Crazy, I know.

Not to fear though. The post is coming and it will be epic. It just may be another week or so.

In the mean time, here is something to consider. I got my period today after deciding not to go back on birth control this month. Typically, when an infertile who is trying to defy the odds gets the notice of failure it ends in a mass of sobs and disappointment. Me? I haven't been this ambivalent about it in over a year. Its rather nice. I feel like I am bordering on normal emotions again.

Since there always has to be some suck to temper any happy I may have, let me assure you that the physical pain is knocking me on my ass. I am calling the doctor first thing tomorrow to begin a new journey. Operation Screw You Insides has begun!

Counseling Round 2

Today was the second time going to Dr. ExtraAwesome for counseling. We continue to really like him and feel like this is going to be a huge help to us. A couple interesting things happened.

He spoke to us about how we view things through the window of our beliefs, but we don't always truly know what our beliefs are, just the thoughts that result from it. For example, when I see a pregnant woman I think it will never be me because of my belief that I am defective. The idea being that if you understand what you believe about your infertility and yourself, you can better deal with the emotions caused. Also, understanding how your partner is interpreting things makes it easier to present a united front, rather than being two people going through the same experience, but not really being together through it. It was quite interesting.

The entertaining thing was that in the previous session I had spoken about my cousin and her husband with the whole rubbing belly thing. He agreed that it was a ridiculous thing for him to do and we were rather justified in our being upset about it. Today while referring to the incident he referred to the two of them as "your cousin" and "dude." He literally said, "When your cousin is there and dude comes up and rubs on her belly..." Maybe it's not such a big deal, but I freaking loved it. From henceforward people who piss me off no longer will be referred to by their relationship to me, but be called simply "dude" or "chick." Awesome.

Tomorrow or the next day I will post about something that has nothing to do with infertility, but makes me equally mad. Be excited!

First session of counseling

So, The Boy and I decided to see about finding a counselor to help us deal with the whole no biological kids thing. We set up an appointment for last Thursday and I thought nothing much about it for a while.

Total diversion that I promise has something to do with this story:
Long story short, one of the projects I've been working on for work had to be re-done. Eff! Oh, and things I needed for said project got delayed...and delayed...and delayed. In short, I had a 20 hour job to accomplish in roughly 24 hours. Wee! And since the universe enjoys giving me the finger (and I give it right the hell back) one more delay was added for good measure. Can you fit 20 hours into 12? I finally got what I needed at 9:30 am and had only until 4 p.m. of the same day to complete it to a presentable level, and 9 am to finish all the details. Now, I'm all for challenging oneself, but this was comical. I was pissy and frantic, but managed to complete said project in time (even getting in a whole hour of sleep!) and you would never have known that I hadn't spent a few weeks on it.

Here's how this ties into the counseling. I had to finish by 9 am, because that's when our session was, so I actually had to finish by like 8. So we had out first session of infertility therapy after I had been awake for close to 27 hours, working nonstop. Needless to say, the emotions were on edge.

Quick trivia question time! What has two thumbs and looked like walking death, thus making a totally awesome first impression with someone who reads things into every little detail of what is said and not said? This guy!

The session went much better than I expected. For starters I stayed awake and relatively lucid for the whole session. I am truly a wonder. The therapist was a younger guy (like 34 I think) who had been through the whole gamut of infertility with his wife and realized that finding a good therapist that didn't try to ream you with cost was tricky. He really was a super nice guy and we both liked him. We had to tell him our story, which went a little something like this:

Us- started trying just over a year ago
Him- Kind nod
Him *subtext*- Oh for cute...they're freaking out after only a year.
Us- Started infertility drugs after about 6 months
Him- Hmmm
*subtext*- You're young...why worry so soon?
Us- Endometriosis crap
Him- Knowing nod
*subtext*- That explains a bit
Us- IUIs, no more money, bad pain, endo showing up in ultrasounds, don't ovulate
Him- "Wow...so you guys have been through the ringer this last year"

As the session went on he asked us what the difficult parts of infertility were for us. We told him it was mostly social pressures. We really don't experience much trauma over being genetic dead ends, it's just impossible to escape all the pregnancies around us, particularly our relatives. We told him some of the stories I have already written about here and he was appropriately shocked at some of the things people have said to us.

I should say that the therapist, lets call him Dr. ExtraAwesome, has been through infertility with his wife, finally adopting two girls and now works with adoptive parents to make sure they are ready for adopting. Oh, and he is sarcastic (told us he used to mentally flip people off anytime they had some "advice"), and delightfully blunt. Can you say perfect fit?

I did find it entertaining that he made such a point to let us know that we are not alone and our feelings are common and justified. As he was saying it all I could picture was this:



As far as our plans for a future family, we are taking our time before making any big decisions. It's been nice to not have to deal with all this and focus on some other things, and I admit I don't feel a huge push to change that.