Putting on my big girl panties

Only to take then right the hell back off. Make any sense? No? Ok.

So I went in to my RE last Monday for an endometriosis consultation. Yup, my RE's clinic also specializes in endo. Here's the thing, though. As I have written before, I suck at standing up for myself. I was really nervous about getting talked into doing another IUI, continuing into IVF, sending money to the deposed prince of Nigeria, who knows what could happen. I psyched myself up and practiced what I would say if he brought up these options (no, no, and so I only have to send a check for $300 and I will get $2000?). I was ready.

After waiting the typical 30 minutes in the exam room (and rifling through what papers I could see...always entertaining), Dr. Awesome came in. He asked what was going on and I said, "I am here to address the endometriosis. I am in nearly constant pain, and my husband and I have decided to stop infertility treatment and get the endo under control. We feel good about our decision and want to know what you recommend." Yeah, apparently I grew a pair. He asked if I was aware that pregnancy and endo treatment are mutually exclusive. I said I was, and we are not interested in pursuing pregnancy at this time. At this point I was waiting for him to lecture me on how the longer you wait the less chances there are and blah, blah, blah. Shockingly, he nodded, said he understood and started talking about my options. Oh wait, there was one more thing to be done.

See, it had been several days since I had been romanced by a wand, so an ultrasound was in order. Thank goodness! As usual, my uterus was relaxing all tipped back style. Fortunately, he found no pooling of blood in my ovaries (only real treatment for that is surgery), so I was a good candidate for hormone therapy. He prescribed norethindrone, which shuts down the ovaries without affecting bone density. The side affects warned about are nausea, mood swings, hot flashes, headaches, and a couple more basic things. Ha!

Here is my list of side affects:

-NAUSEA
-heartburn
-Oh sweet mercy my head is being crushed in a vice!!!
-NAUSEA
-Stabby death pains brought some friends over for a party!
-NAUSEA
-How can my uterus get a charlie horse??
-Sweet mercy, stop breathing like that, you're moving the couch and I'm gonna puke!

What a fun sexy time for me!

Another ultrasound

So for those who are keeping track, today is cd12 and the day of the follicle check. Last time, I only had one decent looking follicle, so I was all prepared for the worst. I figured that I was probably looking at not even having one and needing to decide whether to reschedule the IUI for next month. That's how optimistic I am these days.

Anyway, today's appointment was a delicious course of interesting, topped with some creamy odd remarks.
Odd thing #1- Not one, not two, but 3 of the girls I had some conversation with (receptionist, nurse, and resident) all asked me, "Is that your natural hair color?" All with that same wording. I have no problem admitting it is not, so I was only amused, not offended.
Odd thing #2- When left alone in a room with medical equipment and no pants on, I get a little loopy. Like contemplating-whether-to-mess-with-the-ultrasound-equipment-and-wondering-if-I-can-fit-a-large-latex-glove-over-my-head-so-I-can-pretend-to-be-a-turkey sort of loopy.

After waiting on the always lovely butcher-papered table and playing shooting games with the stirrups for 24 1/2 minutes, the doctor came in and here was the conversation we had:
Dr. Awesome- "So this is IUI #2 and we are now doing 100 mg of Clomid?"
Infertile me- "This is #2 and we have done 100 mg for both."
DA- "And you're not pregnant? Why not?"
IM- "Uh....you're the doctor...you tell me."

Oh such fun we have! Anyway, the ultrasound went smoothly and it looks like we have 3-4 big follicles to work with this time around, so huzzah I guess. I can't remember what the numbers for the right ovary were, but I think there was a 23mm and a 18 in there, left ovary was 24, 16, and 12. Ovulation usually happens when the lead follicle reaches 20mm. Still no LH surge, so looks like we will be waiting at least a couple more days.

Dammit. I feel myself getting hopeful. I was trying to avoid that, but I guess it was inevitable. I've decided to go with it. I know I am setting myself up for a let-down, but this is our last chance for a long while (possibly forever), so I feel the need to fully experience it. It seems right to me for this to end with some pain. I know it doesn't make much sense, but it's my way of fully acknowledging my infertility. I want it to hurt, because then it will have meant something. At least that is what my overly hormone riddled brain is telling me.

So here's to hope. Here's to thinking that it might work. That after all this we've finally paid our dues and it's our chance for the good news. That my uterus may get the memo and realize that it better kick into gear before I throw it the hell out. Over a year of money, pain, and effort is coming down to this last month. No pressure. But hey, maybe it will work. Maybe one or two of those little follies will actually fight the odds and become a child. Stranger things have happened, right?

My stupid insides

I just got a call from the RE office and we are definitely on for ultrasound Friday. W00t!
OPK's are still showing nothing, which isn't surprising since it is only day 11. My only request of my innards is to not have a positive test tomorrow, since that would make it rather impossible to do the IUI.

So, I don't think I've talked (whined) about my endometriosis* (aka horrible death pains).

The pain is typically localized on my right side. The laparoscopy in 2007 showed that it had wrapped itself around my right ovary, so it makes sense. The surgery was supposed to treat the endo (can't cure it) and give me a better chance of getting pregnant. Well my body, useful little engine that it is, took it as a personal challenge and brought the pain back after about a month. Taking into account my 2 1/2 weeks of recovery time I really didn't take full advantage of that week of no pain.

My Dr at the time, Dr Moron, had me come in a few times for ultrasounds (waiting in the room for an hour as the nurses cooed over a new baby right outside the door...gah!) and suggested that my pain may be caused by a condition called endometriosis. Uh...pretty sure you are the one who cut me open and made my insides your own game of lazor tag, but I'm no doctor. Idiot. He wanted to put me on Lupron, but I decided I had enough of medical procedures, so I opted to try a restrictive diet. It helped until I went off the bcp (birth control pills), but I've been sticking to it for a little over a year. It's nice to feel like you have some control over your body, however fleeting.

So fast forward to about now when my RE, Dr Awesome, is talking to me about the endo. He actually takes my pain levels seriously, and suggests we do an internal ultrasound to see how everything else is looking. I am long-time friends with the wand (aka dildo cam), so no big deal. As Dr Awesome is explaining things to us, the resident, Sparky, has put some more jelly into the wand, but apparently isn't pleased with it's distribution. He proceeds to jerk it around trying to get the jelly to spread evenly. Basically, he looks like a 13 year old boy trying to get his atari joystick to work cause there is just one more dot for pacman to eat dammit! While supressing my giggles I remind myself that this is why I am too immature to be trying to get pregnant.

Ultrasound showed that my uterus really is lazy. It's tilted back, taking a nap or something, probably snoring and covered in Cheeto powder. Also, the endo has spread to my left ovary and is starting to show up in ultrasounds (not the norm. It's usually cells that are not thick enough to show up). Hey, guess what insides, .!.. ..!. right in your face.

Dr A is not too concerned, but informs me that endo and IF are kind of an either/or problem. You can treat one or the other, but not really both. We've opted for trying to have a kid, but we'll see how long I can hold to that resolve.

Here's the thing that sucks about this, aside from the obvious. Infertility is hard enough to deal with. Add the physical pain to that and the pressure that it's only going to become less likely each month, and you have a delicious cocktail that I'd rather not be drinking. I know that everyone's IF journey is filled with unique challenges, and I wouldn't want to go through what many people have already gone through. I feel like if this were just a waiting game, I could manage. It would suck, but I could get through it. A month is a long time, but when you add pain to the equation, it's a really effing long time! As it is, I have forgotten what it's like to not be in daily pain, and we're dealing with a "when" not "if" of a hysterectomy. The question is whether I can squeeze a kid out before having the place demolished and made into a parking lot.
In the words of Arrested Development, what a fun sexy time for me!

Enough bitter whining, I promise there will be more funny tomorrow.

*Hey, spellcheckers...it's a word and I promise I'm spelling it right! Nothing makes you feel more like a medical freak than having the diagnosis questioned by a piece of software.