IUI #2: Sweet cuppin cakes

Well, the IUI went better than last time, though not without it's share of hiccups and entertainments. Since I got a positive OPK the evening prior, the IUI was set up for yesterday afternoon. The Boy works a bit away from the RE's office, so he had to leave work for a "long lunch and doctor's appointment."

First bit of hilarity: In the collection room, they have the typical magazines shut inside a drawer. On top of this drawer?


Yup. Nothing gets a guy turned on like cupcakes and thank you note how-to's! I don't quite know if they were trying to make the room seem more innocent, but I find it rather disturbing that right beneath this adorable girl is a stack of porn to rival any 14 year old's stash. Good thing you can get things started up with yummy homemade soups! Awesome.

Now for the first hiccup. Last time they said it would take about 2 hours and they would call me when they were ready for me. Call me crazy, but I assumed that is what was expected of me this time as well. After hanging out in the neighborhood for a couple hours I get a phone call from a rather peeved girl who says, "Uh, yeah...we're just wondering if you are going to be coming in at all." Wow...well no, I just like paying hundreds of dollars for a handjob in a room decked out like a La Quinta lobby.

See, apparently they "never call" because they have far too many patients to call everyone. Whatever. They were just worried because I got there about 20 minutes before they were going home for the day. I went back into the room and stripped from the waist down. I made it a point to leave my underwear sitting on top of my jeans ala CancerBaby* and waited. The nurse who came in was nice enough, but made it clear that in no uncertain terms she was going to be leaving as soon as she was done with me. I guess I could have harnessed my inner insecure freshman girl and been all, "But wait...don't you want to spoon a little afterward? Will you call me tomorrow?"but she had a meeting she had to wake up early for, so I understand.**

The IUI itself was ok. They are certainly less painful than an HSG, but I still won't be singing up for one just for the fun of it. The nurse was brusque enough with the whole thing that, while painful, it was over quickly. After all, it wasn't my first time, so why be gentle? She told me to lay there for 10 minutes and then go home and do some jumping jacks or whatever I wanted to. Basically, just go about your day as if this never happened. As she left, she dimmed the lights (I kid you not, she said she would leave me with some "mood lighting." Yeah, thanks lady...I know I'm an infertile whore...but no need for pity humor) and told me that I could tell my husband it was "good for me, how was it for you?" Gah. I think she is related to my pharmacist.

It seems that, for me at least, about 4 hours after my IUI's I get a ton of cramping and abdominal pain. I had to take it easy and made all sorts of old man noises while trying to get in a comfortable position. At least it's over with. Now to find something to keep me entertained for 2 weeks.


*For those who don't know, CancerBaby was a blogger who was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer and died back in 2006. She was snarky an honest in her blog and pointed out how silly it was that we'll put our legs in the stirrups and show are bits to whoever, but for some reason we have to hid our underwear inside our pants, since it would be scandalous to show them.

**I have a good friend who, after getting an ultrasound, the tech tossed a towel on her belly and said, "Here...clean yourself up and go home."

Another ultrasound

So for those who are keeping track, today is cd12 and the day of the follicle check. Last time, I only had one decent looking follicle, so I was all prepared for the worst. I figured that I was probably looking at not even having one and needing to decide whether to reschedule the IUI for next month. That's how optimistic I am these days.

Anyway, today's appointment was a delicious course of interesting, topped with some creamy odd remarks.
Odd thing #1- Not one, not two, but 3 of the girls I had some conversation with (receptionist, nurse, and resident) all asked me, "Is that your natural hair color?" All with that same wording. I have no problem admitting it is not, so I was only amused, not offended.
Odd thing #2- When left alone in a room with medical equipment and no pants on, I get a little loopy. Like contemplating-whether-to-mess-with-the-ultrasound-equipment-and-wondering-if-I-can-fit-a-large-latex-glove-over-my-head-so-I-can-pretend-to-be-a-turkey sort of loopy.

After waiting on the always lovely butcher-papered table and playing shooting games with the stirrups for 24 1/2 minutes, the doctor came in and here was the conversation we had:
Dr. Awesome- "So this is IUI #2 and we are now doing 100 mg of Clomid?"
Infertile me- "This is #2 and we have done 100 mg for both."
DA- "And you're not pregnant? Why not?"
IM- "Uh....you're the doctor...you tell me."

Oh such fun we have! Anyway, the ultrasound went smoothly and it looks like we have 3-4 big follicles to work with this time around, so huzzah I guess. I can't remember what the numbers for the right ovary were, but I think there was a 23mm and a 18 in there, left ovary was 24, 16, and 12. Ovulation usually happens when the lead follicle reaches 20mm. Still no LH surge, so looks like we will be waiting at least a couple more days.

Dammit. I feel myself getting hopeful. I was trying to avoid that, but I guess it was inevitable. I've decided to go with it. I know I am setting myself up for a let-down, but this is our last chance for a long while (possibly forever), so I feel the need to fully experience it. It seems right to me for this to end with some pain. I know it doesn't make much sense, but it's my way of fully acknowledging my infertility. I want it to hurt, because then it will have meant something. At least that is what my overly hormone riddled brain is telling me.

So here's to hope. Here's to thinking that it might work. That after all this we've finally paid our dues and it's our chance for the good news. That my uterus may get the memo and realize that it better kick into gear before I throw it the hell out. Over a year of money, pain, and effort is coming down to this last month. No pressure. But hey, maybe it will work. Maybe one or two of those little follies will actually fight the odds and become a child. Stranger things have happened, right?

Feeling a bit better

Thank you for the kind words and empathy. As I've said, infertility can feel like such a lonely place, it's nice to be reminded that my perceptions are not the reality. I'm still a bit bummed, but feeling better than the other day. I know it's not the end of the world. I know there are so many women out there going through far worse than I am. Mostly, it's hard being reminded how strong you aren't. I promise, I'll have funnies tomorrow. Perhaps I will even share my most hilarious story...if you all really want.

Funny thing is that this is the third time in a span of 4 months or so where a family member has announced a pregnancy right before or after I have found out that another try didn't work. I joked with The Boy today that every time I get my period, someone gets knocked up. I am the bell to their angel wings.

So we've decided to do one more round of IUI and then take a break. The clomid makes the endo pain much more severe (as in, pop an 800 mg ibuprofen every 4 hours just to be able to take the edge off) and it's just too much to keep going through at this time. I guess this is last call for my ovaries. Come on ladies...step up for once!

So here's the plan: 100 mg Clomid days 3-7, ultrasound on day 12 (Dr Awesome isn't working on day 13), IUI day after positive OPK. I don't anticipate it being successful, but see it as something I need to do to reassure myself that I gave this whole getting pregnant thing all I could. I feel good about it. Frankly, I just want to produce more than one follicle. The Boy's SA shows no real problems. Sure, there are some morphology issues, but the high concentration makes up for it. Not looking forward to the whole process again, but it will help me sleep easier in the coming months.

I've been asked if we are going to try IVF. The answer at this point is no. There are amazingly strong couples who go through it. Some are even successful. I don't know quite how to explain it, but it's not for us. We've both agreed very strongly that the toll it takes financially, physically, and emotionally is just not something we chose to take on. I may change my mind on that in the coming months, but I doubt it. We've been walking this trail for a while now and I think we are both ready to sit down and enjoy the view for a while.

Let us never speak of this again.

So I'm sure the question on everyone's mind is, "How did the IUI go?"

Um...it's over with, and that's about the best thing I can say about that. In all fairness, it wasn't nearly as painful as my HSG. When the nurse inserted the catheter, there was cramping, but as I told her, "I have endometriosis, so cramps and I go way back." The actual...um...injection(?) hurt a bit, but wasn't too bad. I had pretty nasty cramps for the rest of the day and couldn't stand up all the way, but most of that is over with now.

So why am I whining when other people have such a harder time? How can I complain when there are other who go through full IVF? Where is my usual snark and funnies? While the IUI was physically pretty mild, it was more emotionally taxing than I thought it would be. It's one thing to be told you are infertile. It's quite another to have a medical procedure to try to get pregnant. No one thinks about their child being the result of laying on a table, legs in stirrups, trying to chat about nothing in particular with the woman who is essentially impregnating them. It's supposed to be something between a couple, not a couple, a few nurses, some lab techs, various other medical personnel, and a few other nervous couples in the waiting room. It's hard to describe, but I don't blame anyone who decides this is not for them. I'm sure the next one will be easier, but hopefully we won't need to do anymore. Yeah right.

Oh, by the way, I was wrong about one prediction. The RE office had a copy of Conceive on a table...but only one.

Underwhelmed

So the ultrasound is done and the verdicts is:



Right ovary showed some small follicles, left showed one good folly. I guess I should be pleased to have one good potential egg, but I was really hoping for 2 or 3 (as was Dr Awesome). He still sounded positive about our chances of success, so we are going ahead with the IUI. A big scabby thumbs up to my ovaries. Guess they got the message from my uterus to just take it easy.

I know it only takes one egg, but honestly, after so long I can't imagine this working. I feel like we're going through the motions because that is what you do. Dr. A did tell me that if I don't ovulate in the next 2 days or so there is a good chance that the other follies will catch up, but I honestly think he was saying that to make me feel better and not because he actually thought that would really happen. Oh well...guess we'll see. Anyone have success with only one follicle?

My stupid insides

I just got a call from the RE office and we are definitely on for ultrasound Friday. W00t!
OPK's are still showing nothing, which isn't surprising since it is only day 11. My only request of my innards is to not have a positive test tomorrow, since that would make it rather impossible to do the IUI.

So, I don't think I've talked (whined) about my endometriosis* (aka horrible death pains).

The pain is typically localized on my right side. The laparoscopy in 2007 showed that it had wrapped itself around my right ovary, so it makes sense. The surgery was supposed to treat the endo (can't cure it) and give me a better chance of getting pregnant. Well my body, useful little engine that it is, took it as a personal challenge and brought the pain back after about a month. Taking into account my 2 1/2 weeks of recovery time I really didn't take full advantage of that week of no pain.

My Dr at the time, Dr Moron, had me come in a few times for ultrasounds (waiting in the room for an hour as the nurses cooed over a new baby right outside the door...gah!) and suggested that my pain may be caused by a condition called endometriosis. Uh...pretty sure you are the one who cut me open and made my insides your own game of lazor tag, but I'm no doctor. Idiot. He wanted to put me on Lupron, but I decided I had enough of medical procedures, so I opted to try a restrictive diet. It helped until I went off the bcp (birth control pills), but I've been sticking to it for a little over a year. It's nice to feel like you have some control over your body, however fleeting.

So fast forward to about now when my RE, Dr Awesome, is talking to me about the endo. He actually takes my pain levels seriously, and suggests we do an internal ultrasound to see how everything else is looking. I am long-time friends with the wand (aka dildo cam), so no big deal. As Dr Awesome is explaining things to us, the resident, Sparky, has put some more jelly into the wand, but apparently isn't pleased with it's distribution. He proceeds to jerk it around trying to get the jelly to spread evenly. Basically, he looks like a 13 year old boy trying to get his atari joystick to work cause there is just one more dot for pacman to eat dammit! While supressing my giggles I remind myself that this is why I am too immature to be trying to get pregnant.

Ultrasound showed that my uterus really is lazy. It's tilted back, taking a nap or something, probably snoring and covered in Cheeto powder. Also, the endo has spread to my left ovary and is starting to show up in ultrasounds (not the norm. It's usually cells that are not thick enough to show up). Hey, guess what insides, .!.. ..!. right in your face.

Dr A is not too concerned, but informs me that endo and IF are kind of an either/or problem. You can treat one or the other, but not really both. We've opted for trying to have a kid, but we'll see how long I can hold to that resolve.

Here's the thing that sucks about this, aside from the obvious. Infertility is hard enough to deal with. Add the physical pain to that and the pressure that it's only going to become less likely each month, and you have a delicious cocktail that I'd rather not be drinking. I know that everyone's IF journey is filled with unique challenges, and I wouldn't want to go through what many people have already gone through. I feel like if this were just a waiting game, I could manage. It would suck, but I could get through it. A month is a long time, but when you add pain to the equation, it's a really effing long time! As it is, I have forgotten what it's like to not be in daily pain, and we're dealing with a "when" not "if" of a hysterectomy. The question is whether I can squeeze a kid out before having the place demolished and made into a parking lot.
In the words of Arrested Development, what a fun sexy time for me!

Enough bitter whining, I promise there will be more funny tomorrow.

*Hey, spellcheckers...it's a word and I promise I'm spelling it right! Nothing makes you feel more like a medical freak than having the diagnosis questioned by a piece of software.

Uh...what???

I know it's rather typical for the infertile crowd to have inappropriate things said to them, and I am sure that my stories are not the worst there are, but I have some doozies!

There is a crazy pharmacist that we have had run-ins with on several occasions. The first time went a little something like this:

It was 8 am on day 3 of my cycle and I needed to go pick up my second round of Clomid since I was supposed to start it that day. I drag myself out of bed and head to the pharmacy, give them the usual 10-15 minutes (read: at least half hour) to put 5 pills into a child-safe plastic container (oh the irony!). When I go to pick up my meds the pharmacist, lets call him Nutty McWhatthehell, hold the bottle to his ear and says,
"Shhhhh....you hear that?"
I respond with an eloquent "Uhh....huh???"
"I hear three babies crying!"



I wish I could say I said something both biting and snarky that put him in his place, but sadly I was too shocked that he said anything like that. I merely put my tail between my legs, paid my bill, and went home to regale my husband with the odd encounter. The worst part? This is not the only story of Nutty McWhatthehell...there is another, but you will have to wait to hear that one.

So here is our current cycle and where we are in it.
The Plan: Round 1 of IUI- 100 mg Clomid on cd 3-7, ultrasound on day 13*, IUI day after positive ovulation test
Where we are: Today is cd 10, so I begin taking ovulation tests twice a day...this morning-nada.

*this time, we will have to do it on cd 14 since 13 is New Years Day...apparently Dr Awesome would prefer to ring in the new year away from my uterus...what a jerk!