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The Brambles
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Monday, April 27, 2009
Amusing anecdote from the RE
Forgot to mention, my ultrasound had to be done in the IVF retrieval room due to the number of consults being done that day. What could be better than a regular ultrasound? How about not having to make the full effort of laying down? Yup, a fancy chair that tilts back in a very Lazyboy-of-the-future kind of way. Once the several thousand dollar chair managed to do what I can do for roughly $5, or the promise of a shiny quarter (bend over, not spread my legs) Dr. Awesome asked I wanted to insert the wand myself. Uh.....seriously? Is it just me or does that smack of the extra weird? I mean, my bits are on display and your aim is probably going to be better than my own. Don't make me do your job for you, man!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Putting on my big girl panties
Only to take then right the hell back off. Make any sense? No? Ok.
So I went in to my RE last Monday for an endometriosis consultation. Yup, my RE's clinic also specializes in endo. Here's the thing, though. As I have written before, I suck at standing up for myself. I was really nervous about getting talked into doing another IUI, continuing into IVF, sending money to the deposed prince of Nigeria, who knows what could happen. I psyched myself up and practiced what I would say if he brought up these options (no, no, and so I only have to send a check for $300 and I will get $2000?). I was ready.
After waiting the typical 30 minutes in the exam room (and rifling through what papers I could see...always entertaining), Dr. Awesome came in. He asked what was going on and I said, "I am here to address the endometriosis. I am in nearly constant pain, and my husband and I have decided to stop infertility treatment and get the endo under control. We feel good about our decision and want to know what you recommend." Yeah, apparently I grew a pair. He asked if I was aware that pregnancy and endo treatment are mutually exclusive. I said I was, and we are not interested in pursuing pregnancy at this time. At this point I was waiting for him to lecture me on how the longer you wait the less chances there are and blah, blah, blah. Shockingly, he nodded, said he understood and started talking about my options. Oh wait, there was one more thing to be done.
See, it had been several days since I had been romanced by a wand, so an ultrasound was in order. Thank goodness! As usual, my uterus was relaxing all tipped back style. Fortunately, he found no pooling of blood in my ovaries (only real treatment for that is surgery), so I was a good candidate for hormone therapy. He prescribed norethindrone, which shuts down the ovaries without affecting bone density. The side affects warned about are nausea, mood swings, hot flashes, headaches, and a couple more basic things. Ha!
Here is my list of side affects:
-NAUSEA
-heartburn
-Oh sweet mercy my head is being crushed in a vice!!!
-NAUSEA
-Stabby death pains brought some friends over for a party!
-NAUSEA
-How can my uterus get a charlie horse??
-Sweet mercy, stop breathing like that, you're moving the couch and I'm gonna puke!
What a fun sexy time for me!
So I went in to my RE last Monday for an endometriosis consultation. Yup, my RE's clinic also specializes in endo. Here's the thing, though. As I have written before, I suck at standing up for myself. I was really nervous about getting talked into doing another IUI, continuing into IVF, sending money to the deposed prince of Nigeria, who knows what could happen. I psyched myself up and practiced what I would say if he brought up these options (no, no, and so I only have to send a check for $300 and I will get $2000?). I was ready.
After waiting the typical 30 minutes in the exam room (and rifling through what papers I could see...always entertaining), Dr. Awesome came in. He asked what was going on and I said, "I am here to address the endometriosis. I am in nearly constant pain, and my husband and I have decided to stop infertility treatment and get the endo under control. We feel good about our decision and want to know what you recommend." Yeah, apparently I grew a pair. He asked if I was aware that pregnancy and endo treatment are mutually exclusive. I said I was, and we are not interested in pursuing pregnancy at this time. At this point I was waiting for him to lecture me on how the longer you wait the less chances there are and blah, blah, blah. Shockingly, he nodded, said he understood and started talking about my options. Oh wait, there was one more thing to be done.
See, it had been several days since I had been romanced by a wand, so an ultrasound was in order. Thank goodness! As usual, my uterus was relaxing all tipped back style. Fortunately, he found no pooling of blood in my ovaries (only real treatment for that is surgery), so I was a good candidate for hormone therapy. He prescribed norethindrone, which shuts down the ovaries without affecting bone density. The side affects warned about are nausea, mood swings, hot flashes, headaches, and a couple more basic things. Ha!
Here is my list of side affects:
-NAUSEA
-heartburn
-Oh sweet mercy my head is being crushed in a vice!!!
-NAUSEA
-Stabby death pains brought some friends over for a party!
-NAUSEA
-How can my uterus get a charlie horse??
-Sweet mercy, stop breathing like that, you're moving the couch and I'm gonna puke!
What a fun sexy time for me!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The big reveal
Well, most of the family knows about our plans, so I no longer mind the world hearing about the adoption plans of an anonymous infertile. How brave am I.
I know I haven't really talked about it much, but my husband and I are both quite spiritual people. We believe in God, even through these crazy challenges we've had. I know not everyone feels the same, and I respect that.
Anyway, so we have an adoption plan...and a whole lot more questions to be answered. Last Saturday, The Boy and I had been talking about where to adopt from and which agency and such. We are really quite fantastic at considering all sides of a choice. We are, however, woefully ill-equipt to make a decision based on those facts. We decided we would both pray about it and see what we should do.
There have been a few instances in my life where I have felt a definitive, clear answer to a prayer. I won't go into the details, but on Saturday we both had one of those moments more strongly than almost any other time in our lives. Both of us got the same answer within seconds of each other. And the verdict is......................................................................................
We are adopting from China!
Surprised? Yeah, me too. Especially since it will be nearly 2 years until we can even start the process. We don't know if we will adopt through our local program in the meantime, but we certainly don't want any child to feel like they were just a placeholder.
I'm still in a bit of shock about it all. Shocked, stunned, thrilled, terrified, you name it I've likely added it to the line-up. I have no idea why this is the direction we are supposed to take, but at least we have a direction instead of just spinning our wheels.
In other related news, I finally put on my big girl panties and made an appointment with my doctor for Monday to have the endo looked at and come up with a plan for pain management. Guess what uterus, your services are no longer needed. Be prepared for an immediate eviction notice. In other words, gettheheckout!
I know I haven't really talked about it much, but my husband and I are both quite spiritual people. We believe in God, even through these crazy challenges we've had. I know not everyone feels the same, and I respect that.
Anyway, so we have an adoption plan...and a whole lot more questions to be answered. Last Saturday, The Boy and I had been talking about where to adopt from and which agency and such. We are really quite fantastic at considering all sides of a choice. We are, however, woefully ill-equipt to make a decision based on those facts. We decided we would both pray about it and see what we should do.
There have been a few instances in my life where I have felt a definitive, clear answer to a prayer. I won't go into the details, but on Saturday we both had one of those moments more strongly than almost any other time in our lives. Both of us got the same answer within seconds of each other. And the verdict is......................................................................................
We are adopting from China!
Surprised? Yeah, me too. Especially since it will be nearly 2 years until we can even start the process. We don't know if we will adopt through our local program in the meantime, but we certainly don't want any child to feel like they were just a placeholder.
I'm still in a bit of shock about it all. Shocked, stunned, thrilled, terrified, you name it I've likely added it to the line-up. I have no idea why this is the direction we are supposed to take, but at least we have a direction instead of just spinning our wheels.
In other related news, I finally put on my big girl panties and made an appointment with my doctor for Monday to have the endo looked at and come up with a plan for pain management. Guess what uterus, your services are no longer needed. Be prepared for an immediate eviction notice. In other words, gettheheckout!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Easter
So we have some big(ish) news, but I am going to wait to post it until after I tell my family. No, I am not pregnant, but we do know our adoption plans.
Enjoy this little Easter gift from me
Enjoy this little Easter gift from me
Friday, April 10, 2009
Decisions, decisions
Still undecided on domestic or international adoption. Still getting advice from any resources we can. Frankly the biggest issue right now I think is money. South Korea would be roughly 15k more and we aren't exactly spending our evenings doing sidestrokes through our room filled with gold coins (Duck Tales is full of lies, people!). On the one hand, you can't really put a price on a human life and if we felt strongly enough about it, we can take out loans and save as much as we can manage. On the other, I have to be realistic about it. Doesn't do much good to raise the money and have none left to support the kid with when he/she arrives.
Anyway, to reward you for your opinions in advance, I give you this dose of aggressive cuteness:
Anyway, to reward you for your opinions in advance, I give you this dose of aggressive cuteness:
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
More counseling & a decision
We had what will hopefully be our final session of counseling last week. He really has been such a good resource for us and we would recommend anyone struggling through this crap to find a good therapist and give it a shot. Lucky for us, our therapist also works with a local adoption agency and we were able to get some good info from him on semi-open vs. open adoptions and the basics of the process.
In case it hasn't been obvious enough from previous posts, I guess I will officially announce to all teh interwebs that we have decided to adopt. We're actually pretty excited about it, even though we know it will be it's own roller coaster nightmare soon enough. Heck, it already is.
Right now we are trying to decide on domestic vs. international. We've managed to narrow it down to a local agency for the domestic and if we do international we are strongly leaning toward South Korea. Here's the thing, though. How on earth do you make such a decision? How do you decide whether to adopt a newborn (which has it's benefits and drawbacks, certainly) within the US, or become a multi-racial family and go international. I know people have strong feelings about both, and ultimately it will be up to us to decide. Feedback is appreciated, though, especially from those who've been there.
Here are my thoughts on it of late.
Domestic:
Pros
-Less expensive
-Chance to meet birthmom
-More medical info known about child
-Newborn
Cons
-Don't know that we really want an infant
-Could take longer
-High chance of failed matches
International (specifically South Korea)
Pros
-No birthmoms going back and forth on their decision
-Chance to introduce a new culture into our lives
-Older child (6-15 months)
-Excellent medical care for the children and records kept indefinitely
-Children are in foster homes, not orphanages
Cons
-More expensive
-Would we be able to handle being a multi-racial family? (Not a huge concern, but it's unrealistic to expect that there wouldn't be new challenges from this)
-We know absolutely no one from South Korea
-Even more hoops to jump through
I'm sure there are more, but those are the very obvious ones. The thing is, for some reason we feel really strongly about adopting from China, but we don't meet the age requirements (I'm only 28 and would need to be 30). We're confidant that we will adopt a second child from China, so this also affects our decision with the first. After all, we will be multi-racial soon enough and I certainly don't want one of my kids to feel like the odd man out.
So what's to be done? Adopt a Caucasian child domestically? Adopt outside of our race domestically? Kiss our money goodbye and go for South Korea? Just grab a kid from a stroller and call it good? So many good choices, to be sure.
In case it hasn't been obvious enough from previous posts, I guess I will officially announce to all teh interwebs that we have decided to adopt. We're actually pretty excited about it, even though we know it will be it's own roller coaster nightmare soon enough. Heck, it already is.
Right now we are trying to decide on domestic vs. international. We've managed to narrow it down to a local agency for the domestic and if we do international we are strongly leaning toward South Korea. Here's the thing, though. How on earth do you make such a decision? How do you decide whether to adopt a newborn (which has it's benefits and drawbacks, certainly) within the US, or become a multi-racial family and go international. I know people have strong feelings about both, and ultimately it will be up to us to decide. Feedback is appreciated, though, especially from those who've been there.
Here are my thoughts on it of late.
Domestic:
Pros
-Less expensive
-Chance to meet birthmom
-More medical info known about child
-Newborn
Cons
-Don't know that we really want an infant
-Could take longer
-High chance of failed matches
International (specifically South Korea)
Pros
-No birthmoms going back and forth on their decision
-Chance to introduce a new culture into our lives
-Older child (6-15 months)
-Excellent medical care for the children and records kept indefinitely
-Children are in foster homes, not orphanages
Cons
-More expensive
-Would we be able to handle being a multi-racial family? (Not a huge concern, but it's unrealistic to expect that there wouldn't be new challenges from this)
-We know absolutely no one from South Korea
-Even more hoops to jump through
I'm sure there are more, but those are the very obvious ones. The thing is, for some reason we feel really strongly about adopting from China, but we don't meet the age requirements (I'm only 28 and would need to be 30). We're confidant that we will adopt a second child from China, so this also affects our decision with the first. After all, we will be multi-racial soon enough and I certainly don't want one of my kids to feel like the odd man out.
So what's to be done? Adopt a Caucasian child domestically? Adopt outside of our race domestically? Kiss our money goodbye and go for South Korea? Just grab a kid from a stroller and call it good? So many good choices, to be sure.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Why I hate the Twilight series
Yes, that's right. The EPIC POST is here and I can tell some of you are already grinding your teeth in rage. It's true, I really, seriously hate the Twilight series. I refuse to lose 2 hours of my life by watching the movie, so this will, I suppose, only pertain to the books. I should say, I have in fact read the whole series, so I speak from a somewhat educated (though less-so than when before I used up perfectly good brain cells storing this tale) standpoint.
"Best love story of our time!" shouts the general female populous. Really? REALLY? This amazing love story which you so adamantly defend would perhaps hold up if the plot didn't read like the transcripts from a game of barbies played by sugared-up 4 year-olds. Don't believe me? (these were originally written as single sentences, no spaces, but that is too cruel even for me. Know that they should still be read as such)
Book 1- Once upon a time there was a girl named Bella and she was very ordinary. She lived in Arizona and no one noticed her, but then she moved to Washington and suddenly she was very popular, and all the boys liked her including the really hottest boy who didn't pay attention to anyone else, but he fell in love with her, but he was a vampire (oh no!) but he didn't kill people, he just glittered in the sun and was all cold. Everything was great and she went to play baseball with the vampires, but OH NO!! bad vampires came and tried to kill her, but Edward saved her and they went to the prom. YAY!!!
Book 2- Edward and Bella are in love, but OH NO he is dangerous, so he breaks up with her and she is sad. She is sad sad sad and sits in a pile of sad for months and months. Did I mention she's sad? Then she starts riding motorcycles with Jacob, who is actually a werewolf! Ooo....scary! Wait, no it's not. Oh and he's in love with Bella too, but she's too sad. Then she jumps off a cliff cause listening to whiny emo music and cutting herself just isn't sad enough for her. Edward thinks she is dead and guess what! He's been sad too, so he is gonna go get himself vampire killed. The rest is like a happy version of Romeo & Juliet. YAY! Now everyone is happy!
Book 3- Oh no, both Edward and Jacob love Bella cause she is so ordinary. What to do? Einey, Meiney, Miney, Edward. Yay! Oh and a bad vampire dies. Double YAY!
Book 4- Edward and Bella get married! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! Then they have the sex! Sexy YAY! Jacob is sad, but who cares cause he isn't as hot as Edward is. Bella gets knocked up (honeymoon babies are the best!) and decides it's her body and her choice so she's keeping the baby. Oh noes, the baby is gonna kill her, so she gets turned into a vampire. Now she is pretty so she can finally shut the hell up about how she's not good enough for a vampire. More bad vampires come, but Bella's powers of joy sucking remove their powers and they are all safe. Oh and Jacob falls in love with her baby. Everyone is happy and not at all creeped out by anything that has happened. Extra triple double magical YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Sorry my fellow females, but I just can't get behind this story. Aside from the infantile premise, these are continuous flaws throughout the books. In no particular order, here are some that make me to most crazy:
1. Hey, did you know that Edward was hot?
Seriously, if you were to rid the books of the continuous references to Edward's hotness, you'd be left with roughly 10 pages per book, max. I get it, he's inhumanly attractive, but the more the author drones on and on about it, the more creepy it becomes to me to have a 30+ year old writing about the chiseled abs and hearstoppingly gorgeous smile of someone who is at least on the surface, a 17 year old boy. Jailbait much? Speaking of jailbait...
2. Not creepy, I promise!
If a guy were to say to me that he was born in 1901, my first reaction would be to do the math and start wondering why someone with a century's worth of experience can find no one better to be with than a 17 year old girl. Oh wait...he can't read her mind. Yeah, that would be interesting for about 10 minutes, then the arguments of "What's wrong?" "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" would wear a bit thin, I feel. Honestly, Edward's age makes me think that at any given moment he is going to go through all the pills he takes on a daily basis in greater detail than the Simerilian discusses the Mines of Moria. No thanks. I'd rather watch the history channel, not date it.
3. No seriously, it's romantic, not creepy
If a guy were to tell me he had been sneaking into my room night after night, unbeknownst to me, and watching me sleep, he wouldn't have to worry much about watching anything for a while, cause that mace is a doozy. Oh wait, he's really hot, so I guess the whole breaking and entering becomes less stalker-y and more romantic-y. I don't think so.
4. Wow, Bella is ordinary....just like me!!!
Why must the "heroine" of the series (and I use the term loosely...I am still convinced that the real heroine is Jacob) constantly remind everyone how very ordinary (ew!) she is. Here, have a nice serving of self esteem and quit being such a whiny bitch about how Edward is totally a 10 and you are but a lowly 6, you mindnumbingly irritating Mary-Sue! I don't know a single guy who enjoys validating someone on such an exhaustively constant basis as Edward does. I kept waiting for Bella to say how ordinary she was and Edward to go, "Oh man...you are right! I am way more attractive than you, so why should I continue to slum it with you? See ya!"
I realize the author is allowing us to puther ourselves into Bella's no doubt ordinary shoes and live the magical life of being loved by a 100 year old guy who insists on watching us sleep and continuously tells us that he may or may not kill us. Still into it? Allow me to go on then.
5. Vampires glitter, huh?
Wow. Just wow. THAT is your big explanation for why they have to stay out of the sun. You couldn't have said that when they go in the sun their very strong eyesight causes them to get migraine headaches that make it all the more difficult to maintain the self control so they go on killing sprees so for heaven's sake keep them out of the sun!!! Nope. When they go in the sun, they glitter like a stripper in a trashy club. Wow...great plot device. As if I wasn't already getting a migraine from the above-mentioned issues, you have to bedazzle the villains like some sort of spin art t-shirt from the 80's?! (to be fair, spin art was amazing and I still miss that shirt)
6. Vampires love them some school, I guess
Lets imagine you have endless days ahead of you with which to do anything you wish. How would you spend them? Going back to high school over and over again? Yeah, me either. Honestly, there is really no point to Edward and pals going to high school. They already know everything, so certainly there are no holes in their education. "They just want to fit it!" says the sad little specimen in the back wearing a t-shirt that says "Edward's Juicebox" (honestly, I've seen it...wrong on so many levels). Really? Just trying to fit in? Then answer me this, if they are trying to fit in WHY DO THEY ISOLATE THEMSELVES FROM EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE SCHOOL?!?!?? Nothing better than to spend eternity as high school outcasts, says I! Sorry to shout, but really, did Ms. Meyer not give this any thought whatsoever? "Hmmmm.....they don't kill people, so what should I have them do. I know! They should study some rhibosomes and ignore the human race that they refuse to leave behind!"
7. Personal growth schmersonal growth!
I have never read a series that made me dislike a main character so much. I really am trying to wrack my brain for any sort of maturity gained by Bella over the course of 4 books, and I am at a bit of a loss. Still. Between the average looks, insistence that she is not good enough for her boyfriend, the need to keep her backup guy around in spite of him having feelings for her, and cripplingly low self-esteem she may as well be every sad girl in school who none of the guys wanted to even talk to, let alone date because her lovely attitude would drag them down quicker than a baby harp seal tied to a 90 ton anchor. I guess vampires enjoy spending the rest of eternity saying, "No honey, those pants don't make you look fat," cause I can't think of a single human who is that masochistic.
More than that. More than all these things, I hate them because I think they set a horrible example of a relationship to the young girls reading the series thinking that this is what they want from life. I have heard of girls reading these books and breaking up with perfectly nice guys because they were enough like "their Edward". Lets look for a moment at what lessons Twilight and Friends teaches our young girls.
-Don't try to develop a self-esteem of your own, just wait for a really hot guy to ask you out and attach your hopes to him.
-Stalker-ish behaviour is actually romantic and not at all creepy and wrong.
-If a guy breaks up with you, don't ever move on. He probably did it to keep you safe and he will come back. Don't spend any time improving yourself, just wallow until he shows up again. When he does, take him back with no consequences or questions.
-The guy should be the primary one to keep things from going too far physically. If he really loves you, he wont try to take advantage of you, he will insist on stopping things, so you just do everything you want.
-If you just want to be friends with someone who has feelings with you, keep them around. They'll make a good placeholder and who cares if leading them on like that is hurtful to them.
-A hit is like a hug and being bruised head to toe after sex is both not a big deal, and not assault. (and the idea that the first time having sex is anything other than akward and usually painful...now I know it's fiction!)
-Somewhere out there there is one person you are destined to be with. It's not a matter of finding someone you are compatible with and realistically approaching the relationship. Your soul mate is out there and when you find him, everything will be just perfect and sunshine roses!
All in all, they are not the worst books I have ever read. They are even slightly entertaining in parts, but what they are is fluff, and not well-written fluff, either. They are the cotton candy of literature, and I am sick of people acting like they are a fillet Mignon. Can we please move on?
"Best love story of our time!" shouts the general female populous. Really? REALLY? This amazing love story which you so adamantly defend would perhaps hold up if the plot didn't read like the transcripts from a game of barbies played by sugared-up 4 year-olds. Don't believe me? (these were originally written as single sentences, no spaces, but that is too cruel even for me. Know that they should still be read as such)
Book 1- Once upon a time there was a girl named Bella and she was very ordinary. She lived in Arizona and no one noticed her, but then she moved to Washington and suddenly she was very popular, and all the boys liked her including the really hottest boy who didn't pay attention to anyone else, but he fell in love with her, but he was a vampire (oh no!) but he didn't kill people, he just glittered in the sun and was all cold. Everything was great and she went to play baseball with the vampires, but OH NO!! bad vampires came and tried to kill her, but Edward saved her and they went to the prom. YAY!!!
Book 2- Edward and Bella are in love, but OH NO he is dangerous, so he breaks up with her and she is sad. She is sad sad sad and sits in a pile of sad for months and months. Did I mention she's sad? Then she starts riding motorcycles with Jacob, who is actually a werewolf! Ooo....scary! Wait, no it's not. Oh and he's in love with Bella too, but she's too sad. Then she jumps off a cliff cause listening to whiny emo music and cutting herself just isn't sad enough for her. Edward thinks she is dead and guess what! He's been sad too, so he is gonna go get himself vampire killed. The rest is like a happy version of Romeo & Juliet. YAY! Now everyone is happy!
Book 3- Oh no, both Edward and Jacob love Bella cause she is so ordinary. What to do? Einey, Meiney, Miney, Edward. Yay! Oh and a bad vampire dies. Double YAY!
Book 4- Edward and Bella get married! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! Then they have the sex! Sexy YAY! Jacob is sad, but who cares cause he isn't as hot as Edward is. Bella gets knocked up (honeymoon babies are the best!) and decides it's her body and her choice so she's keeping the baby. Oh noes, the baby is gonna kill her, so she gets turned into a vampire. Now she is pretty so she can finally shut the hell up about how she's not good enough for a vampire. More bad vampires come, but Bella's powers of joy sucking remove their powers and they are all safe. Oh and Jacob falls in love with her baby. Everyone is happy and not at all creeped out by anything that has happened. Extra triple double magical YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Sorry my fellow females, but I just can't get behind this story. Aside from the infantile premise, these are continuous flaws throughout the books. In no particular order, here are some that make me to most crazy:
1. Hey, did you know that Edward was hot?
Seriously, if you were to rid the books of the continuous references to Edward's hotness, you'd be left with roughly 10 pages per book, max. I get it, he's inhumanly attractive, but the more the author drones on and on about it, the more creepy it becomes to me to have a 30+ year old writing about the chiseled abs and hearstoppingly gorgeous smile of someone who is at least on the surface, a 17 year old boy. Jailbait much? Speaking of jailbait...
2. Not creepy, I promise!
If a guy were to say to me that he was born in 1901, my first reaction would be to do the math and start wondering why someone with a century's worth of experience can find no one better to be with than a 17 year old girl. Oh wait...he can't read her mind. Yeah, that would be interesting for about 10 minutes, then the arguments of "What's wrong?" "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" would wear a bit thin, I feel. Honestly, Edward's age makes me think that at any given moment he is going to go through all the pills he takes on a daily basis in greater detail than the Simerilian discusses the Mines of Moria. No thanks. I'd rather watch the history channel, not date it.
3. No seriously, it's romantic, not creepy
If a guy were to tell me he had been sneaking into my room night after night, unbeknownst to me, and watching me sleep, he wouldn't have to worry much about watching anything for a while, cause that mace is a doozy. Oh wait, he's really hot, so I guess the whole breaking and entering becomes less stalker-y and more romantic-y. I don't think so.
4. Wow, Bella is ordinary....just like me!!!
Why must the "heroine" of the series (and I use the term loosely...I am still convinced that the real heroine is Jacob) constantly remind everyone how very ordinary (ew!) she is. Here, have a nice serving of self esteem and quit being such a whiny bitch about how Edward is totally a 10 and you are but a lowly 6, you mindnumbingly irritating Mary-Sue! I don't know a single guy who enjoys validating someone on such an exhaustively constant basis as Edward does. I kept waiting for Bella to say how ordinary she was and Edward to go, "Oh man...you are right! I am way more attractive than you, so why should I continue to slum it with you? See ya!"
I realize the author is allowing us to put
5. Vampires glitter, huh?
Wow. Just wow. THAT is your big explanation for why they have to stay out of the sun. You couldn't have said that when they go in the sun their very strong eyesight causes them to get migraine headaches that make it all the more difficult to maintain the self control so they go on killing sprees so for heaven's sake keep them out of the sun!!! Nope. When they go in the sun, they glitter like a stripper in a trashy club. Wow...great plot device. As if I wasn't already getting a migraine from the above-mentioned issues, you have to bedazzle the villains like some sort of spin art t-shirt from the 80's?! (to be fair, spin art was amazing and I still miss that shirt)
6. Vampires love them some school, I guess
Lets imagine you have endless days ahead of you with which to do anything you wish. How would you spend them? Going back to high school over and over again? Yeah, me either. Honestly, there is really no point to Edward and pals going to high school. They already know everything, so certainly there are no holes in their education. "They just want to fit it!" says the sad little specimen in the back wearing a t-shirt that says "Edward's Juicebox" (honestly, I've seen it...wrong on so many levels). Really? Just trying to fit in? Then answer me this, if they are trying to fit in WHY DO THEY ISOLATE THEMSELVES FROM EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE SCHOOL?!?!?? Nothing better than to spend eternity as high school outcasts, says I! Sorry to shout, but really, did Ms. Meyer not give this any thought whatsoever? "Hmmmm.....they don't kill people, so what should I have them do. I know! They should study some rhibosomes and ignore the human race that they refuse to leave behind!"
7. Personal growth schmersonal growth!
I have never read a series that made me dislike a main character so much. I really am trying to wrack my brain for any sort of maturity gained by Bella over the course of 4 books, and I am at a bit of a loss. Still. Between the average looks, insistence that she is not good enough for her boyfriend, the need to keep her backup guy around in spite of him having feelings for her, and cripplingly low self-esteem she may as well be every sad girl in school who none of the guys wanted to even talk to, let alone date because her lovely attitude would drag them down quicker than a baby harp seal tied to a 90 ton anchor. I guess vampires enjoy spending the rest of eternity saying, "No honey, those pants don't make you look fat," cause I can't think of a single human who is that masochistic.
More than that. More than all these things, I hate them because I think they set a horrible example of a relationship to the young girls reading the series thinking that this is what they want from life. I have heard of girls reading these books and breaking up with perfectly nice guys because they were enough like "their Edward". Lets look for a moment at what lessons Twilight and Friends teaches our young girls.
-Don't try to develop a self-esteem of your own, just wait for a really hot guy to ask you out and attach your hopes to him.
-Stalker-ish behaviour is actually romantic and not at all creepy and wrong.
-If a guy breaks up with you, don't ever move on. He probably did it to keep you safe and he will come back. Don't spend any time improving yourself, just wallow until he shows up again. When he does, take him back with no consequences or questions.
-The guy should be the primary one to keep things from going too far physically. If he really loves you, he wont try to take advantage of you, he will insist on stopping things, so you just do everything you want.
-If you just want to be friends with someone who has feelings with you, keep them around. They'll make a good placeholder and who cares if leading them on like that is hurtful to them.
-A hit is like a hug and being bruised head to toe after sex is both not a big deal, and not assault. (and the idea that the first time having sex is anything other than akward and usually painful...now I know it's fiction!)
-Somewhere out there there is one person you are destined to be with. It's not a matter of finding someone you are compatible with and realistically approaching the relationship. Your soul mate is out there and when you find him, everything will be just perfect and sunshine roses!
All in all, they are not the worst books I have ever read. They are even slightly entertaining in parts, but what they are is fluff, and not well-written fluff, either. They are the cotton candy of literature, and I am sick of people acting like they are a fillet Mignon. Can we please move on?
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