Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Dear 2008

I know we had our good moments. Of course, given enough chances anyone can have a good moment or two, so I'm afraid that is not really anything for you to brag about. Look, lets face sucked most of the time. You are a selfish whore who doesn't care who she hurts. I know some people really liked you. Hell, you managed to bring pregnancies and babies to tons of people, most of whom I somehow know or see walking around the neighborhood all the effing time. It takes a special kind of whore to rub things like that in people's faces, and you are that whore.

I've decided to move on. We were never destined to care much for each other, and it would be a huge lie to act like we ever really cared for one another. How about this, you can hang around with the people who you didn't screw over 12 times, and I'll move on to a new year that has the chance of making me happy. Better yet, I'm just not going to pin my happiness to what a year does or doesn't bring to me. I'll just be happy because I chose to be. Maybe 2009 (yes, that's the year I am moving on to...I believe you have met) will bring a pregnancy, an adoption, a hysterectomy, or a few horsemen to move things along in a much more permanent manner. The point is, I don't know how 2009 and I will get along, but I am ready to move on to a new year and leave our wasted time together in the past.

Please don't try to contact me. There's nothing you can say at this point that will change my decision. I'll leave your stuff on the curb for you to pick up when you want to. Perhaps someday we can look back on our time together with a degree of happiness, but that day is not now. I really do hope you can find a way to quit being so hateful to people, but I guess it's true that you can't change a year.

Best Wishes,

That Infertile (because you made me that way) Chick

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My stupid insides

I just got a call from the RE office and we are definitely on for ultrasound Friday. W00t!
OPK's are still showing nothing, which isn't surprising since it is only day 11. My only request of my innards is to not have a positive test tomorrow, since that would make it rather impossible to do the IUI.

So, I don't think I've talked (whined) about my endometriosis* (aka horrible death pains).

The pain is typically localized on my right side. The laparoscopy in 2007 showed that it had wrapped itself around my right ovary, so it makes sense. The surgery was supposed to treat the endo (can't cure it) and give me a better chance of getting pregnant. Well my body, useful little engine that it is, took it as a personal challenge and brought the pain back after about a month. Taking into account my 2 1/2 weeks of recovery time I really didn't take full advantage of that week of no pain.

My Dr at the time, Dr Moron, had me come in a few times for ultrasounds (waiting in the room for an hour as the nurses cooed over a new baby right outside the door...gah!) and suggested that my pain may be caused by a condition called endometriosis. Uh...pretty sure you are the one who cut me open and made my insides your own game of lazor tag, but I'm no doctor. Idiot. He wanted to put me on Lupron, but I decided I had enough of medical procedures, so I opted to try a restrictive diet. It helped until I went off the bcp (birth control pills), but I've been sticking to it for a little over a year. It's nice to feel like you have some control over your body, however fleeting.

So fast forward to about now when my RE, Dr Awesome, is talking to me about the endo. He actually takes my pain levels seriously, and suggests we do an internal ultrasound to see how everything else is looking. I am long-time friends with the wand (aka dildo cam), so no big deal. As Dr Awesome is explaining things to us, the resident, Sparky, has put some more jelly into the wand, but apparently isn't pleased with it's distribution. He proceeds to jerk it around trying to get the jelly to spread evenly. Basically, he looks like a 13 year old boy trying to get his atari joystick to work cause there is just one more dot for pacman to eat dammit! While supressing my giggles I remind myself that this is why I am too immature to be trying to get pregnant.

Ultrasound showed that my uterus really is lazy. It's tilted back, taking a nap or something, probably snoring and covered in Cheeto powder. Also, the endo has spread to my left ovary and is starting to show up in ultrasounds (not the norm. It's usually cells that are not thick enough to show up). Hey, guess what insides, .!.. ..!. right in your face.

Dr A is not too concerned, but informs me that endo and IF are kind of an either/or problem. You can treat one or the other, but not really both. We've opted for trying to have a kid, but we'll see how long I can hold to that resolve.

Here's the thing that sucks about this, aside from the obvious. Infertility is hard enough to deal with. Add the physical pain to that and the pressure that it's only going to become less likely each month, and you have a delicious cocktail that I'd rather not be drinking. I know that everyone's IF journey is filled with unique challenges, and I wouldn't want to go through what many people have already gone through. I feel like if this were just a waiting game, I could manage. It would suck, but I could get through it. A month is a long time, but when you add pain to the equation, it's a really effing long time! As it is, I have forgotten what it's like to not be in daily pain, and we're dealing with a "when" not "if" of a hysterectomy. The question is whether I can squeeze a kid out before having the place demolished and made into a parking lot.
In the words of Arrested Development, what a fun sexy time for me!

Enough bitter whining, I promise there will be more funny tomorrow.

*Hey,'s a word and I promise I'm spelling it right! Nothing makes you feel more like a medical freak than having the diagnosis questioned by a piece of software.

Monday, December 29, 2008


I know it's rather typical for the infertile crowd to have inappropriate things said to them, and I am sure that my stories are not the worst there are, but I have some doozies!

There is a crazy pharmacist that we have had run-ins with on several occasions. The first time went a little something like this:

It was 8 am on day 3 of my cycle and I needed to go pick up my second round of Clomid since I was supposed to start it that day. I drag myself out of bed and head to the pharmacy, give them the usual 10-15 minutes (read: at least half hour) to put 5 pills into a child-safe plastic container (oh the irony!). When I go to pick up my meds the pharmacist, lets call him Nutty McWhatthehell, hold the bottle to his ear and says,
" hear that?"
I respond with an eloquent "Uhh....huh???"
"I hear three babies crying!"

I wish I could say I said something both biting and snarky that put him in his place, but sadly I was too shocked that he said anything like that. I merely put my tail between my legs, paid my bill, and went home to regale my husband with the odd encounter. The worst part? This is not the only story of Nutty McWhatthehell...there is another, but you will have to wait to hear that one.

So here is our current cycle and where we are in it.
The Plan: Round 1 of IUI- 100 mg Clomid on cd 3-7, ultrasound on day 13*, IUI day after positive ovulation test
Where we are: Today is cd 10, so I begin taking ovulation tests twice a day...this morning-nada.

*this time, we will have to do it on cd 14 since 13 is New Years Day...apparently Dr Awesome would prefer to ring in the new year away from my uterus...what a jerk!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

An Open Ended Letter to My Crazy Relatives

Dear Family,

First, let me say that through all the crazy turns our family has taken, we've managed to stay relatively close. The holidays have come, and I am pleased to know that the likelihood of dishes being thrown or tables being overturned at our gatherings is rather lower than some households enjoy. Well done us!

I do have one request at this time of year, if I may: Please quit asking about our plans for procreation. I realize that being married for just shy of 3 years and having no belly bump is alarming to most of you, but I really need you all to quit bringing it up. I am aware of the vacancy, and, unless I am asking you to be involved in the process, my sex life (whether for procreative purposes or not) simply does not concern you. I am no more interested in telling you of our plans for children than I am in telling you about the odd sex dream I had last night (Shawn of the Dead....odd). Uncomfortable now? Good.

You continue to point out that we are now the only couple on both sides with no kids/not pregnant. We are, of course aware of the fact, and find the emphasis of this fact quite hurtful as we are, in fact, trying to have children. I realize you are just trying to make conversation, but certainly we can discuss other matters than my uterus, as fascinating as it apparently is.

As always, when asked when we are going to have kids, I will response with my usual retorts that "You are having enough for the both of us" or "I would, but I enjoy having my breasts in the northern hemisphere of my body." Oh, and if you must remind me what a blessing kids are and how wonderful they are, blah, blah, blah, I encourage you to save your breath. If you love them so much, have some more of your own! After all, you only have to be looked at to get knocked up. I know how awesome kids are, but sadly my uterus has run an embargo on all imports and exports.

Love Always,
Infertile Chick

P.S. Telling me I am "Too pretty to adopt" provides me endless entertainment! These treasures may continue to be shared so that I can use it for my own (and others) entertainment.

---I should note that the family members who do know about our situation have, by and large, been incredibly supportive. I just have a few crazies mixed in with the bunch who I didn't feel like telling. After all, if they make horribly inappropriate remarks now, what would happen if I gave them even more ammo??

And so it begins

Much as I have fought against the infamous "blog" I decided it was time to cave in and do it. While I am quite certain teh interwebs doesn't need yet another record of the minutiae of yet another dull persons life (those tubes get full pretty quickly, after all!), I felt I needed a place to record my thoughts about this rather insane time.

As of last month, my husband and I were officially labeled "Infertile" and sent off to visit an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). He will from henceforward be called Dr. Awesome, because he was. It was a very helpful meeting and, after reviewing our medical history, he recommended we do a couple rounds of IUI before considering IVF. Since IUI is about 5% of the cost of IVF in our situation, we figured may as well give it a try. After all, we'd rather spend our money on medical procedures than on, say, a new tv or an exciting trip. Who wouldn't?

The thing with infertility is, no matter how many people around you are seemingly in the same boat, you feel so desperately alone. There is no rhyme or reason to decide who will have success with meds, IUI, IVF, "just relaxing", or just "giving it time." Some couples try for years with nothing to show for it but huge debt and heartache, some get knocked up on their first round of Clomid. No matter how many people tell you how they went through the same thing for years and the doctors said they would never have kids, but they did so you can't give up hope, it doesn't change the fact that their experience isn't yours. I even have family who have struggled with trying to have children...and all but myself have had some degree of success getting pregnant.

So why add yet another blog about infertility to the already busting tomes of whiny blogs? I'm not here to write crappy emo poems about the barren wasteland that is my uterus, or to use terms like "baby dancing" (Gah! It's called sex!!!), if that is what worries people. Mostly, as I've looked back on the last year, there are some seriously messed up things that have happened to me that I find endlessly entertaining. "Infertility isn't funny!" says you...well I say it is, especially when it's happening to someone else. So let my awkward moments be your candle on the water.