Conclusions and a story

I've come to a couple conclusions during this cycle.

1- OPKs are annoying as all hell.

I mean it...I hate these things! They are expensive, force me to have to plan my life around peeing, and every one I take I have to double check to see if it's positive or negative. This morning's test has a much darker line, but still not as dark or darker than the test line. Cd15 still nada.

2- Hope is still annoying.

Especially before you've even gotten to the 2 week wait. I was reassured by the number and size of follicles, but that was 3 days ago. I mean, if a follicle is 24mm on day 12, you'd think you'd get a positive OPK the next day...two days at the most. Each day that passes makes me wonder what's going on in the mystical factories that are my ovaries.

3- Infertility treatments are a slippery slope.

We decided to do a second IUI and then be done indefinitely. Now I am having second thoughts. If this next round goes smoother than the first (and we think it will) does that mean we should try one more? Should we think about IVF? Should we spin the wheel one more time and try for that elusive dollar? It's easy to start feeling addicted to the IF game. Surely, one more hit wont hurt anything and what if that's the one that will work? It's an expensive habit to feed, both financially and emotionally. I really do feel like this is it for us, though. No offense to those who continue on to IVF or other treatments, but I am ready to call this what it is and be done.

4- No one can read minds.

The Boy and I have been in open conversation about the infertility since we started trying to get me knocked up. We talked freely about the treatments, what we would and wouldn't do, and made awesome jokes about how the "artwork" in the andrology rooms don't lend themselves to much turning-on (call me crazy, but if I can easily picture it in a hotel lobby, I just don't get real hot, ya know?). What we struggle with is talking about our feelings about all this. Me because I feel like I've told him dozens of times already and I'm bored with myself. Him because he sees me in pain and struggling and doesn't want to add to my burden anymore.

This weekend we went for a long drive and talked through basically everything. He feels like the number one priority after this IUI is getting the endo pain under control. While I am sick of the death pains, they are nothing new and I really want the whole kid thing resolved (adoption, IVF, no kids...whatever). Dealing with the endo is something I am a bit hesitant about. Infertility treatments are pretty cut and dry. Either you get pregnant or not. When your dealing with physical pain, so much of it is subjective. Is the pain more manageable? I haven't been to a doctor that really is comfortable dealing with pain being the major problem. Doctors, like me, don't seem to like subjective things.

Here's the thing that is so completely ridiculous about this situation. I know that if we stop treatments I will have to go on hormone therapy that would make it impossible for me to get pregnant. I don't really have any problems with that. In a way, it will be nice to not have to wonder at the end of each cycle if I am or not. I can move on with my life. I also realize that I will have to seriously consider when to get a hysterectomy. If I have one, it will be equally impossible to get pregnant. Equally...not more. Even though I realize this, it still feels like such a difficult choice. I would no longer just be infertile. I would be barren. Again, semantics get the best of my rational decision making.

But enough of my ramblings. That's not why you came. It's been far too long since I gave a good story, so here you go. So you know, my stories are true, but I may change details (names, relationships, etc) in order to maintain my anonymity.

A few weeks ago I was at dinner with my family. My cousin is pregnant (so is basically everyone around me, so that doesn't really narrow it down) with her second child after 2 rounds of clomid. She struggled with some secondary infertility and had a tubal pregnancy a while back, but didn't even have to get a semen analysis (funny story about that later this week!). Her husband knows about our situation, but lacks some social skills and common sense. I know he is just trying to relate, but still. Here are some transcripts of conversations:

Him- So how is your infertility stuff going?
Me- Um...fine I guess. Still not pregnant, but hopefully soon.
Him- Yeah, I remember how hard it was. Especially when people kept asking us about it.
Me- Uh.....yup.

While talking to my cousin about something unrelated, he comes up and starts rubbing her belly.
Him- Hey, did you see this? *motions to cousin's belly*
Me- Yup.
Him- Isn't it so awesome?
Me- Yup.
Him- I'm just really proud of her for being able to get pregnant and all.
Me- Yeah...that's a big accomplishment.

And the best one! This happened while I wasn't there, so he was talking to The Boy, who related the story to me, resulting in much rolling of eyes and "What the hell is his problem?"ing.
At dinner, cousin is drinking some water and has on a zip-up hoodie. Her husband comes up and unzips her hoody. Given that it was more of a fashion hoodie than a warmth hoodie, it seemed like he was trying to undress her or something. She zips it back up. This happens about 3-4 times, when she finally snaps and says:
Her- What are you doing??? Why do you keep unzipping me?!?
Him- *Unzipping the the hoodie the rest of the way and cradling her belly in his hands* Because I can't see your belly that way!

I know what you're thinking....it's coming.......

wait for it............

wait for it......................................























Totally worth the wait, huh?