I suck at being assertive

I have always thought myself to be rather strong-minded and independent. I try to not let myself get bullied around or commit to more than I can accomplish. Unfortunately, self delusion is an easy thing to overlook and I am having to accept that I really am not that impressive at standing up for myself.

I was offered a job about 6 months ago with many promises of exciting responsibilities, creative expression, and of course money. I took it and have been filled with empty promises pretty much the whole time. Fortunately, The Boy makes a steady paycheck or we would be living in a box by now. I should have stood up for myself sooner, but kept being told that the investors would come through any day. Like I said, that was 6 months ago. Still waiting on those investors.

Actually, I am not. I have long thought about opening up my own business, and this has given me the push to finally do it. After all, if my "boss" can have a business and be pretty sucky at it, surely I can have my own and be much more successful. I was nervous about it, but I feel invigorated and excited at the prospect of being in total control of my future (fellow infertiles will understand what a rare commodity this is).

The problem is that I suck at making a clean break. I hate disappointing people and often worry more about their feelings than my own desires. It goes clear back to elementary school where my only friends would tell me that without them I would have no one to hang out with. Since that is the worst thing you can tell an awkward 9 year old, I stuck by them for years. Finally, in Junior High, I called up the ring-leader and essentially broke up with her. It was awesome! You would think that would empower me to be able to do it now, but I find myself in the same standstill, unable to say the words with enough conviction to get my point across.

I am planning on emailing my "boss" (I technically am an independent contractor, hence not really my boss) and letting him know that I will work with him on the final project I have agreed to do, if he feels he needs my help still, but after that I need to part ways and do my own thing. I have no idea how to do this. Wording, tone, everything seems far to daunting to even begin. I am paralyzed by fear of saying the wrong thing and burning bridges or, worse still, agreeing to stay on. Guess I'll have to have a stiff drink, put on my big-girl panties, and be a grown up. Crap.

Why the derail from infertility? Oh, it links together, not to worry! I have the same problem discussing our choice to discontinue treatment with our RE. He seems to be under the idea that we are going to do at least one more IUI and then try IVF. I know he thinks this is the protocol only because it is his job to get me knocked up through whatever reasonable means he sees fit. I, however, am done. I am sick of the side affects, sick of false hope, and sick of being led on with promises that one more time may be "the one". I know that there are couples who feel that one more IUI or IVF is not unreasonable. I admire the people who have the strength to put themselves through the ringer time and time again. I'm afraid that is just not me. I emailed the clinic and explained our situation, but I still can't call to make an appointment for endometriosis treatments. I just can't deal with seeing my RE again right now.

I worry about doing any more treatments. As sucky as the alternatives are, I can feel this becoming a compulsion. It seems like gambling to me, and I am not a good gambler. I don't want to do an IVF, have it fail and decide "well, we've already gone into debt this far, what's one more round?" I want to make a clean break of this and move on.

It will be hard, I know. It already has been. I don't know if you are aware of it, but according to my research over 90% of the female population is pregnant. 75% of that group is due in June (my birthday...nice!). I see bellies everywhere I go, and each one sets off a reaction. Places of quiet and refuge still are filled to the rafters with women who managed to just relax reminding me of my own inadequacy. I feel like all my protective sarcasm and snark has left me exposed and sounding pathetic even to myself. So many months seemingly wasted and here I sit, still unable to make a definitive move toward some kind of future.