The male side of things: a continuation of the previous post

I started getting into this in my last post, but a honk of a car horn made me have to hit publish before I had even finished my thoughts. Stupid in-laws and their insistence on buying us nice dinners!!!

So yeah, guys get bullied into compliance and then get crap about not having an opinion. I read a thread on a random forum while trying to find out more info on Clomid. Imagine my shock and disgust when I happened upon a discussion among women who ovulate on their own, but bought the drug online in order to increase their risk of multiples. I went on to be even more horrified as these women congratulated themselves on finding a way to achieve their dreams while fooling their husbands. One woman, we'll call her Oh-my-crap-you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me-you-psychotic-woman-who-is-the-mayor-of-your-own-crazy-town-where-only-you-matter-at-all-and-everyone-who-disagrees-with-you-is-just-jealous-and-mean...I think that was her user name...maybe we'll just call her OMC for short. So OMC is posting about how she is excited because she just ordered some Clomid online because, see, her husband didn't want anymore kids (they had like 4) and she finally strong armed convinced him that they should have one more, but she couldn't imagine having a family of less than 6, so wasn't she clever because taking a drug when she doesn't need it may increase her risk of multiples and won't it be so awesome and fun when SURPRISE there are twins?!?


Did your head just explode too? Good. There are so many things wrong with this that I hardly need to elaborate, but I will. Here is my letter to her:

Dear Crazyface,
I realize that to read this you will have to pull your head out of the wonderful candy-filled clouds that you have in your pretty pink world full of unicorns who poop magical glittery marshmallows for you to sleep on. I urge you to come back to earth here with the rest of us for just a few minutes. You are planning to take a medicated drug that has not been prescribed to you nor will it in order to trick your husband into having not one, but two more kids despite him repeatedly telling you he doesn't think he can handle even one more child.
"Who's business is it of mine?" you bellow. Well, by putting this information where anyone can read it (including your husband I may add...though he probably isn't allowed to look at the computer because he may happen to catch a glimpse of some other girls boobies or something) you have made it the business of anyone who reads your insanity.
Do you realize that there are many of us who have to take effing Clomid because our bodies don't work right without it, and by taking it ILLEGALLY you are making it all the more difficult for those of us who actually need it to be given it??? Shocking that this world consists of more than just your wants and desires, I know. Not only that, but you do understand that by increasing the risk of multiples, you are greatly increasing the risk that one or more of them may die during their weeks of expensive NICU stay because they will probably be born prematurely (if they are lucky enough to make it that far)? But you don't care about that do you. You are too busy envisioning how cute they'll be with their matching outfits and rhyming names, because having twins will finally give you the love and attention from everyone around you that you aren't able to get by just being an interesting person on your own merits.
Oh, and when you asked if your doctor would "be able to tell" if the twins were the result of clomid or not (because you're cheating your way into the amazingly cool club of twin moms), let me reassure you that he will be too busy stressing out that such a mentally ill person procreated at all, let alone a two-for-one situation, that he won't bother running all the typical clomid-twin vs. for-reals-twin tests. Your lack of understanding about how drugs and genetics work is dwarfed only by your selfishness.
In closing, do you really expect your husband to be on board with this? If he can't handle one more kid, how is he going to be able to handle two? Hell, I guarantee he wont even make it 2 weeks into the bed rest you will be forced to take (enjoy those bon bons, though...you deserve them you clever minx!). Of course, I could be wrong. I'm sure you will both get a good chuckle over my concern when you tell him its twins and he says to you, "Wow....that will make you twice as interesting/beautiful/talented/useful!" That could totally happen, so good luck! Enjoy your divorce future, and may you never regret it.

With all the love in my heart,
Infertile Chick

P.S. I know you just think I'm jealous of your amazing uterus because you can pop out a kid (or two!) at will. In truth, I am jealous. There I admit it. But you know what? Let me tell you another secret...come closer...you couldn't pay me enough to switch places with you. I may not have a passel of kids, but I have a husband who I love enough to let him be a part of decisions that will affect, not only my life, but his life as well. At the end of the day, that may be all I have but I guarantee I am happier with my life and myself than you are with yours. Kisses!-IC
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She is probably the extreme example of what I was talking about yesterday, I admit, but I still get up in arms about it months after the fact (as you can see above). I can't imagine going through this without my hugely supportive husband. The Boy is my best friend in all the world (not just saying that because you are supposed to be with your best friend, he really is) and is my anchor through this infertility storm.

I don't think infertility is easier for guys. They are often on the outside looking in. They see their wives in pain, emotionally and physically, and desperately want to be able to do something to make it stop. Unfortunately, they are unable to do anything, most times, and are left standing there with a couple ibuprophens in their hands wondering why they are such a failure as a husband. After all, they are supposed to protect and care for their wife, right?

I just want to say to all the husbands/boyfriends/significant others who have stood by their partner's side through such a difficult situation thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I applaud your strength, love, and empathy. You may not feel you do enough, but knowing that there is someone by your side somehow makes the burden of all this a little easier to bear. I know it's hard to talk about how you feel because you haven't really explored it much, or you never really spoke about your feelings much and it makes you uncomfortable, or because you see the person you care about most in the world in so much pain and don't want to add your own to the pile. I get it, I really do. However, infertility can make a woman feel very alone and isolated, even while in a committed relationship. Talking about how things affect you helps open a dialogue that just may help you both feel a little lessening of the pain. I don't know what your wife needs to hear, but if she is anything like myself, then just say what The Boy says: It sucks, and it's hard for him too, but mostly he hates seeing me in pain and there's nothing he can do but feel completely helpless, but you love her and you are both in this together. Oh, and for bonus points you can tell her that you married her for her, not for her ability to have kids (that one is another one The Boy uses...it works, trust me). Just say anything, really.

To all the women who are lucky enough to have a partner in this who is supportive and loving in spite of all the mood swings, doctors appointments, crying jags, and every other horrible thing, be grateful! Don't trivialize your husband's pain because this isn't happening to him. I promise he has got plenty on his own plate. Let him know what he does that helps. And please, don't treat him like a glorified sperm donor, because if you do then that's all he may become.